


officially missing you (who are you?)

by beomrebi



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Amnesia, Angst, Crying, Dreams, Drinking, Fluff, Lots of Crying, M/M, Memory Loss, Memory Soulmates, Mentions of Cancer, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks, Partying, Slow Burn, Tags to be added as I go, Trauma, beomgyu is just really emotional, beomgyu sad drunk wbk, is it heavy angst idk lol, side yeonbin, sunghoon gets a cameo, taegyu
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:41:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28212582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beomrebi/pseuds/beomrebi
Summary: How would you feel if you could remember everything in your life? Every memory, never to fade? Whether happy or sad, all stored inside your brain?That's the case for everyone, except it's more specific. You can remember every memory shared with your soulmate. The one person the universe chooses to be yours.For Beomgyu, he considered this the greatest blessing of his life, sharing his life and memories with Taehyun as they grew up together. Every moment, laughing or smiling, crying or fighting, they always pulled through. As long as they were together, everything would be okay.Until it wasn't.Until everything turned upside down.Until Beomgyu lost him.Even though his soulmate was still alive.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun, Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 19
Kudos: 84





	1. bittersweet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _bittersweet (adj.)_ \- pleasant but including or marked by elements of suffering or regret
> 
>  **disclaimer:** this is purely fictional and written for entertainment. this piece of writing has nothing to do with the real idols, so please don't take anything seriously from this fic. it is in no way representative or reflective of the real idols.   
> also, as this fic deals with amnesia and trauma, i apologise for any medical inaccuracies or inaccurate depictions of these experiences.

"Taehyunnie, let's goooooo!" The boy whines, wrapping his arms around his neck and resting his chin on his head. 

“Just wait, hyung, I’m almost done.” Taehyun sighs. 

“You said that five minutes ago!”

“Maybe if you were actually studying, it’d make the waiting less painful.” He chuckles. 

“Studying is boring. There’s plenty of time later.” The boy pouts, combing Taehyun’s hair and fiddling with it. 

“Hyung, you’re entering your final year of high school next year. How will you ever survive?” 

“I have you by my side!” The boy giggles. 

“I won’t always be there to help you study, silly. What about when you get into university?”

“I’ll deal with it later. Come on, let’s go home already! I need my cuddles.” The boy pouts again. 

“Okay, okay.” Taehyun sighs with an airy laugh. “You’re so clingy, it makes me wonder who’s older.”

“You love me.” The boy flashes his smile, bright like the sun, and interlaces their hands together, giving Taehyun his warmth. 

“Yes. I do.” Taehyun giggles as he kisses him. 

“I’m glad I’ll always-”

  
  


Taehyun blinks his weary eyes open, still adjusting to the new sight when waking up. His old room didn’t have a window by his bedside, hence why he’s not used to waking up with so much light streaming into his eyes first thing in the morning. He also didn’t have a roommate, so he supposes Kai must have been the one who opened his curtains slightly before he left. He had an early class after all. 

Taehyun stares up at the white ceiling (unlike the one painted cream at home) and closes his eyes again. 

_‘What did I just dream about…?’_

This isn’t the first time Taehyun has had this thought as soon as he wakes up. In fact, it’s a regular occurrence that he’s familiar with after having scattered dreams for a little over a year now. He remembers that he definitely had a dream, but it escapes from him as soon as he regains consciousness. Even when he tries to close his eyes again, it’s no use. The dream vanishes from him like it was never there in the first place. 

Sometimes, he remembers snippets of it, other times, he can’t remember a thing, no matter how hard he tries. It’s frustrating, but he supposes that not everyone can remember their dreams. 

As he blinks his eyes open again, he realises there are slow beads of tears rolling down his cheeks. Another sigh. This is the other thing. Sometimes, he wakes up crying, for no reason at all. He’s aware that it’s abnormal, but there’s nothing he can do about it. None of the doctors could tell him what it was, or what caused it. Taehyun thinks it might be related to the boy in his dreams. The one he can never seem to recognise or remember what he looks like or sounds like. It’s annoying. Why is it always the same boy? Why can’t he remember? 

Although, there’s no time to dwell on it, as Taehyun checks the time and remembers he needs to get ready for his first class in an hour. He’s thankful that he and Kai live in the university dorms, otherwise they would’ve had to worry about long walking distances or transport. They only just moved in the previous week, but he’s grateful that Kai is a very easy person to get along with. People always warned him that his roommate could make or break his university experience. He’s a bit nervous for his first day of classes, but for the most part, he’s excited. He’s finally starting his new life. Hopefully this one is more fun than high school. He doesn’t remember a lot of high school, and can only recall most of his final year, but even then, it wasn’t that amazing. If anything, he couldn’t wait to get out. 

“Junnie-hyung!” He calls out as he recognises the boy waiting outside one of the Business faculty buildings. 

“Tae!” Yeonjun engulfs him in a tight hug, both giggling and overjoyed to see each other. “You dyed your hair!”

“So did you.” Taehyun giggles at his new pink hair while Yeonjun admires his new blond hair. 

“Needed a change. Guess you dyed it as soon as exams were over?”

“Yup! It’s been a while, hyung.”

“Well, you made it! Welcome to university life. How was your first class?” Yeonjun beams. 

“Fine. All the boring introductory stuff, y’know.” Taehyun laughs. 

“Yeah, the first few weeks are always annoying.” Yeonjun chuckles. “You’ll do great, though. You’re already so diligent with your studying and all.” 

“Better than you, for sure.” Taehyun jokes as he blocks a playful hit to the shoulder. 

“Just make sure you make friends, okay? Just because you’re here to study, doesn’t mean you can’t have fun.” 

“I know, I know. I’m not that boring, geez.” 

“Oh, there you are, Junnie!” 

“Hey! You two can finally meet properly!” Yeonjun grins as he wraps an arm around the blue-haired boy’s waist. 

“So you must be Soobin-hyung, then? I’m Taehyun.” He smiles. 

“Ahh, Junnie’s friend from high school? Nice to meet you. I hope he hasn’t said anything bad about me.” Soobin chuckles and shakes his hand. 

“Please, he’s so in love with you, he couldn’t name one bad thing.”

“That’s true.” Soobin chuckles as he ruffles Yeonjun’s hair. 

“Stop embarrassing me!” Yeonjun pouts. 

“You cutie.” Soobin giggles. “Anyway, Taehyun, we’re going to have lunch before Junnie’s next lecture. Would you like to join us?” 

“That’s a great idea! We haven’t caught up in ages!” Yeonjun smiles. 

“Thanks for the offer, but maybe another time. I was on my way to the library, and then I’ll explore the university’s food options a bit more.” 

“No problem! I’d say skip the place with the ridiculous discounts and huge signs. One time my friend got food poisoning. Oh, and the one on the corner is overpriced but their food isn’t that great anyway.” Yeonjun shakes his head. 

“I’ll keep it in mind, hyung.” Taehyun chuckles. “Enjoy your lunch date.”

“We will!” They chorus and wave goodbye. 

As Taehyun is walking towards the library, he turns and there’s a pathway lined with cherry blossom trees on both sides. It’s too early for them to bloom though, so the trees are quite bare, still barren from the winter. There are no pink and white petals that grace the trees and there’s no wind that blows and makes the cherry blossom petals dance in the air. 

He walks slowly, admiring the bare tree branches, still waiting with buds to bloom, and how they still look beautiful against the clear blue sky. As he looks down again, he notices a boy standing to one side. 

The boy is also looking up at the trees, although the look on his face is somewhat… sorrowful. Like he’s deeply considering or remembering something. There’s a despair in his eyes that Taehyun has never seen in anyone before, almost like a pain that no one but the boy himself could understand. The boy looks beautiful in the moment, with such a poignant gaze and such defined facial features accented against the scenery. 

Taehyun’s heart squeezes a little, and suddenly he feels as if he’s intruding on something. As if he’s not meant to be here, witnessing such a bittersweet scene with the boy against the bare cherry blossom trees. But for some reason, he’s rooted to the ground and unable to move, still struck by him. Although it might seem disrespectful, the thought that he wishes he had a camera to capture the moment flashes through Taehyun’s mind for even just a second. 

The boy has one hand in his pocket, and another outstretched towards the sky as he catches a dead cherry blossom bud. One that didn’t even have the chance to bloom, now that it’s separated and fallen. He opens his palm to look at the tiny bud, and he smiles at it sadly again. 

Before Taehyun can make a move to keep walking, the boy turns his head slowly to look at him, and his face morphs into something Taehyun can’t even comprehend. It’s one of shock and surprise, but underneath, there’s something more complex. The sorrowful look almost evolves into something worse, as the boy starts crying and his lips quiver and his hand starts to shake. 

Why? 

The painful squeeze of Taehyun’s chest tightens at the sight of the crying boy. What did he do? Did he trigger something for the boy? 

Just as he’s about to speak and ask the boy if he’s okay, the boy immediately bolts away from Taehyun, never looking back. 

“Wait-” He calls, but his voice dies out as it cracks for no reason. 

The boy eventually disappears into the distance, leaving Taehyun confused and lost. He picks up the fallen bud from the ground that the boy left behind. 

_‘I wonder what that was…’_

Taehyun’s head throbs a little. 

* * *

Beomgyu wakes up to his alarm at 8AM and groans, cursing at his past self for choosing the 9AM classes to free up his afternoon. He thought it would be a great idea, allowing himself to study in the afternoons and maybe even chill in the café. The one thing he forgot was that he hates waking up early, especially with his already messed up sleep schedule. 

_‘No dream this time.’_

He sighs. Even without the dreams and memories, _he_ is always the first thought that comes into Beomgyu’s mind. It’s inevitable, really. _He_ haunts Beomgyu every second of every day, after all. The cold and empty space next to him on his bed never helps. One that _he_ could fill, and that could make Beomgyu more than a thousand times more motivated in life. Without _him_ , everything is just numb and pointless. Even something as simple as waking up to _him_ by his side every morning would be enough to keep Beomgyu going. To make him feel like he can move mountains and deal with anything that comes his way. Without _him_ , Beomgyu is just dead and lifeless. 

_‘Not that it matters anyway.’_

Beomgyu sighs and gets out of bed, forcing his tired body awake as he gets ready. The silence of his apartment welcomes him, as always, whether he likes it or not. 

He hates it more often, though. 

The only thing keeping him awake through his first class is his coffee, but half of him wishes he hadn’t consumed the caffeine, so that he could sleep through the boring introductory lesson that covers everything he already knows. He understands the sentiment of going through what the subject is about, and going through the assignments, but honestly, can’t people just read the subject outline? So instead, he’s stuck playing games on his laptop, although thankfully, his professor never notices. Honestly, they probably hate this just as much as the students do. 

**_1 New Message_ **

**yeonjun**

BGGGGGGG <

wanna grab lunch with me and bin? <

**beomgyu**

> and third wheel? no thanks 

**yeonjun**

cliché. enjoy being a loner then. <

**beomgyu**

> you know i will 

  
  


Beomgyu sighs. He loves Yeonjun, he really does. They’ve been friends for five years now. And he loves Soobin too, heck, they probably became best friends quicker than he and Yeonjun did. (And no, it’s not just because he and Yeonjun had a petty rivalry for months before they finally tied and made a truce.) 

He loves them and he loves spending time with them. But honestly, sometimes it’s more painful than what it’s worth. He always makes sure to spend time with them of course, but lately it’s become harder to ignore his jealousy and envy. He’s sure that it’ll dissolve eventually, until he’s numb again, but until then, he can’t stop the ugly feelings that grow in his heart. 

Perhaps it’s because _he’s_ entering university this year (or at least he should be), and that makes Beomgyu more anxious than anything else. In hindsight, they never even discussed their plans, and sometimes Beomgyu regrets that more than anything. He was supposed to support _him_ , and now look where they ended up. Beomgyu just hopes and prays that he really did end up attending the local arts university instead of one in Seoul. 

As soon as class is over, he heads to a lecture and yet another excuse to sleep. Unlike first-year students, he knows that the lecturers always take attendance for at least the first lecture, just to make sure everyone receives the same information. As long as he marks his name off at the end, he’s fine. He takes his usual seat at the back of the lecture hall and drags his hood over, mindlessly scrolling on his phone, still too awake to take a nap. Plus, he doesn’t _actually_ want to fall asleep in a lecture. Not when there’s no guarantee that he’ll actually wake up in time, like when he accidentally slept through everyone leaving the hall and got in trouble with the lecturer. 

Once he signs his name off, he decides to make his way towards the library to pick up some books before heading to lunch. The pathway to the library from his arts building is always his favourite. Obviously, it’s a lot nicer when the cherry blossoms have actually bloomed, but to Beomgyu, he finds them more beautiful when they’re _not_ in season. In a way, they remind him of himself. There are no people who stop in the middle of the road to admire them, and no couples who sit under the trees romantically. When they aren’t in bloom, people aren’t as happy around them, and Beomgyu likes that. It makes him feel better, in a weird, twisted way. 

He really shouldn’t be thinking this way, taking comfort and pleasure from people’s gloom and sadness, but he can’t help it. It’s just how he turned out. Especially after everything that happened. 

He stops by a tree (thankfully there aren’t many people on Monday) and looks up at it, admiring the bare branches with little unopened buds. The clear blue skies always remind him of that day, too. Another reason Beomgyu likes the cherry blossoms is because of their meaning. They represent renewal and the fleeting nature of life. 

Beomgyu thinks they reflect himself, because of how he’ll never be renewed or how he’ll never bloom again in his life. Just like the fleeting nature of the blooming season, Beomgyu’s season is already over. Even though he thought he’d have forever. But instead, his seven years with _him_ are miniscule in comparison to what the rest of his life will look like. 

Perhaps that’s also why Beomgyu likes the winter. As much as he’s sensitive to the cold and he hates being without warmth ( _his_ warmth), it’s sad and miserable like him. The cold reminds him that he’s alone, but at least he’s not without a friend in the rain and the snow and the strong, bitter winds. The barren trees and the dirty snow piling up, all reminders of Beomgyu’s own deteriorating life. What’s even the point anymore? He asks himself almost every day. And every day, it gets harder and harder to convince himself. 

He catches the falling cherry blossom bud in his hand. How convenient. Just when he was thinking about how they represent him, a dead bud falls into his hand. 

_‘You didn’t get to become beautiful either, did you?’_

He’s alone. But there’s nothing wrong with that. He can handle himself just fine. He doesn’t need _him_ . (But really, _he’s_ all Beomgyu ever wants and needs in life.) 

He turns his head as he realises that no, he’s not alone like he thought he was. As his eyes land upon unfamiliar blond hair, and yet a familiar pair of big doe eyes that he could never forget, Beomgyu forgets how to breathe. 

He’s not sure what kind of expression he’s making, but he’s definitely crying and probably scaring _him_ . God, why did it have to be like this? He thought he was safe. He thought he’d succeeded, cutting himself out of _his_ life for good. He was so certain, that he honestly hadn’t even _considered_ that they might attend the same university. What are the chances? 

Before Taehyun can even say a word, Beomgyu runs. He runs away like the coward he’s always been, his eyes welling with more overflowing tears and his heart in anguish. There’s too much going on. He can’t breathe. It’s been too long. He never thought he’d ever see him again. He was prepared to live his life and to keep going on without him. But now that he’s here, he really is haunting Beomgyu, except physically this time. 

Beomgyu can’t see where he’s going, but he just knows that he needs to get away, he needs to disappear, and he can’t be seen by him again. He eventually makes it to the library and he makes a beeline to the hidden bathroom behind the building. Wow, he hasn’t needed to come here in months. The abandoned bathroom (mainly because it’s in a secluded place) is no stranger to Beomgyu’s panic attacks or the times when he needed to hide away and just cry or be alone. This time is no different. 

He cries out and he sobs loudly, crying out to stupid fate and whoever planned that this should be how Beomgyu meets Taehyun again in life. That he should even be _allowed_ to see Taehyun again. Why? Why does fate have to be so cruel to him? Is it his punishment? Because he hurt Taehyun, and because they’re still soulmates, is he bound to him for life, never to escape him? 

Beomgyu tries his best to calm down and even his quick breathing, but it’s all so painful and so hard. His chest _hurts_ and half of it is probably his fucking soul, crying out and longing for its other half that’s been missing for so long. There are so many things racing through Beomgyu’s mind that he’s overwhelmed with too much at once. It’s been a little over a year since they’d last seen each other, and ignoring Taehyun’s new blond hair, the boy has grown up. His baby fat has worn out, giving way to sharper and more defined facial features and of course, he’s grown in height, almost as tall as Beomgyu. Beomgyu doesn’t even want to _think_ about whether he’s grown in his fitness either, remembering how he used to be quite thin and small in high school. He’s no longer the 16-year-old innocent (and yet still more mature in some ways) teenager that Beomgyu left behind, but instead, he’s an 18-year-old with a maturity and wisdom that he didn’t have before. He’s completely different, and yet so achingly familiar. So much had changed while Beomgyu was gone, and he wasn’t prepared to witness them. 

Aside from his new appearance, Beomgyu is simply shocked. After wishing and hoping to see him again (and also not see him) so many times, now that Taehyun is actually here, it’s too much to process. As if his heart and mind have been pushed into a sudden marathon. It’s bad enough that Beomgyu could already remember everything associated with Taehyun, every moment they shared together, except this time, seeing him in the flesh, has only triggered all of the bad memories. 

Every day, Beomgyu tries his best to not think about him when he doesn’t need to. Or at least, especially to not remember the bad memories and the trauma. All of the terrible things that happened within those few days—those horrible words and disgusting things that Beomgyu regrets—come rushing back, and they leave Beomgyu gasping for breath and wishing they would go away. 

_‘Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!’_

Beomgyu squeezes his eyes shut and rocks himself back and forth as his shaking hands grip his head. He tries to block them out with the happy memories, but the guilt and the pain fight back and eat away at his heart. 

Eventually, the good memories calm him down again. He remembers Taehyun’s touch and waking up by his side and how it feels to hug him, and although it makes Beomgyu cry more, the horrible voices echoing clearly in his mind are stored away for another day. 

In the end, there’s an underlying truth that even Beomgyu could never deny, to himself nor to others. 

And it’s that he misses Taehyun so fucking much. 

Without Taehyun, nothing has been the same. Beomgyu has dreaded every day and forced himself to keep moving on in life despite feeling lost and empty and _fully aware_ that he is missing his other half. He misses Taehyun in the sense that he has always wished that Taehyun could be by his side, but he also misses him whenever he wonders how he’s going or what he’s doing. 

At first, he got daily updates from Yeonjun, since the elder looked after Taehyun and always made sure to message him and ask about his day or his health. He’s thankful to Yeonjun for being the only mutual point of contact between them, since they couldn’t be together anymore. He’s not sure if he could have handled that first month particularly without knowing how Taehyun was going without him. Honestly, Beomgyu is surprised he kept up with the updates for a few months, until it became too painful for him, and he decided he didn’t need to know about Taehyun anymore. Only one thing was clear, and it was that Taehyun was completely fine without him. Of course. Beomgyu was the only one left with the pain and suffering, after all. 

And yet, Taehyun has managed to crawl back into his life again. There’s no chance that he remembers… right? Otherwise he would have said something if he recognised Beomgyu. Beomgyu knew better by now than to hope for things that were impossible. Even though he’d wished and hoped that Taehyun would be by his side, this isn’t how he had imagined or wanted it. 

He just wanted _his_ Taehyun back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello to all you beautiful readers!! thank you for reading the first chapter of my first ongoing fic! i hope you'll stick with me for the ride, and that i'll be able to write something that you all enjoy and that can hopefully resonate with your emotions! 
> 
> this fic means a lot to me, because i've had this original soulmate idea for a long time, and i've been holding myself in, trying to wait patiently to reveal this child of mine! now that it's out, i hope i can make you all proud and write something worth your time!  
> as i'm still growing as a writer, i hope you'll put up with me, through the bad parts and the good parts, no matter what they are. 
> 
> if you have any questions or are unsure about this fic or this soulmate universe, please let me know or send me a cc! i'd love to chat with you ^u^ some parts are made ambiguous and mysterious on purpose, so please forgive me if i can't reveal certain things to you hehe


	2. mellifluous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _mellifluous (adj.)_ \- a sound that is sweet and smooth, pleasing to hear

Beomgyu would be lying, firstly, if he said he slept well, and secondly, if he said he was okay. He was far from it. The fact that Taehyun was attending the same university and the emotions that lingered from their earlier encounter were enough to keep Beomgyu up for hours. He was still in disbelief, but more importantly, he couldn’t stop worrying and overthinking. 

What would happen next? Could Beomgyu avoid Taehyun forever? What kind of sign was fate giving him? Was it to punish him harder and make him realise that he still can’t be a part of Taehyun’s life? What if Taehyun’s memories would trigger and Beomgyu would only hurt him more, just by being around him? 

No, Beomgyu was sure. Even from their first encounter, he was sure that it only reinforced the fact that Beomgyu shouldn’t be around Taehyun, or he might hurt him. He was sure that fate was playing a sick joke on him, and that he couldn’t let himself get close to Taehyun. If all he needs to do is avoid Taehyun and run away from him, he can do it. All to keep Taehyun safe and healthy and okay. 

At least, that was what Beomgyu was set on, ever since waking up with a new resolve and a goal to never let himself give into his desires. 

But typical Kang Taehyun would never let him get away, and fate was merciless to Beomgyu, not even sparing him a day without the boy. 

Working in a less popular café meant that Beomgyu enjoyed the quieter atmosphere and the comfort of their smaller group of regulars, compared to the other cafés. It also meant that Beomgyu felt overconfident that Taehyun would _not_ walk through the doors of their humble and less-known café, therefore meaning that Beomgyu could successfully avoid him for the day. 

Unfortunately, he was proved wrong when he saw the familiar blond-haired boy shyly enter the café and look around, admiring the quaint and cosy place. Beomgyu mentally curses, and ducks behind the counter quickly before he’s seen. He considers his escape routes (through the kitchen and out the back door, or to hide in the bathroom until he’s clear to go), but then he remembers that he’s the only one manning the floor, since Tuesdays are quiet and Yeji’s shift wouldn’t start for another hour. He can’t leave now, otherwise his manager would never let him hear the end of his scolding. 

“Um…” He hears Taehyun start nervously. 

_‘Come on, Beomgyu. You can do this. Just don’t fucking cry again.’_

“Oh, sorry! I didn’t hear you come in!” Beomgyu stands up, gives his best smile, and bows to apologise. “What could I get for you today?” 

“Um… I’ll just have a regular caramel macchiato, thank you.” Taehyun smiles back. 

Ideally, Beomgyu would spend more time admiring Taehyun’s silky voice and cute smile that he’s missed so damn much, but he holds himself back and nods, staying professional. 

“That’ll be 3,500 won. May I please have your name?” Beomgyu asks, pen at the ready, even though he’s already written Taehyun’s name by instinct. 

“Taehyun.” He smiles, passing over the money. 

“Won’t be long.” Beomgyu smiles, heading over to the coffee machine. 

As Taehyun takes a seat to wait, still admiring the café, Beomgyu tries his best to focus on the coffee, and not the immense pressure he feels from being in Taehyun’s presence. Logically, he knows that Taehyun isn’t watching him, but it still feels like he could. Beomgyu has made many caramel macchiatos in his year of working as a barista, but this one is the most important. He wills his hands to stop shaking so much, and breathes slowly, attempting to calm himself down. 

“It’s cute.” 

Beomgyu’s breath hitches and he looks up, slightly confused and cheeks already growing warm. 

“The place. It’s really nice and there’s a sense of comfort you wouldn’t get from a busy café.” Taehyun smiles at Beomgyu. 

“Ah, yes. Many people prefer the more popular cafés, though. Better coffee and better reviews and all that.” Beomgyu goes back to working the machine. 

“I’d prefer this atmosphere, though. Better than being stuck in a loud place and having to wait in a queue for long.” Taehyun chuckles. 

“There’s nothing special about us. We’re quite plain and boring.” 

Beomgyu’s almost tempted to mess up Taehyun’s order on purpose, just so that he’s driven away from the café and so that Beomgyu never has to see him during his shifts again. By the time he’s considering this, he’s already finished filling the paper cup, and only needs to top it off with the caramel drizzle. He sighs. There goes that plan. And to make things worse, Taehyun is already charmed by the café’s atmosphere and decor. 

“I’d like to disagree.” Taehyun giggles. “You’re more unique than all the rest.” 

Beomgyu blushes and covers his coffee with the lid. 

“Regular caramel macchiato.” He says, sliding it across the counter and immediately cleaning the machine. 

“Thank you… um… Beomgyu-ssi?” Taehyun’s voice wavers, catching sight of his nametag. 

“M-My pleasure, Taehyun-ssi.” Beomgyu forces a smile. 

“I’ll be back soon, I’m sure. See you then!” 

“Thank you. See you then.” 

As soon as Taehyun disappears and walks out of sight, Beomgyu slides behind the counter to curl up on the floor. His heart pounds against his ribcage and he can feel his eyes burning slightly. 

As he had suspected, Taehyun didn’t remember their encounter from yesterday.   
Taehyun doesn’t remember Beomgyu. 

And he never will. 

Beomgyu allows his tears to flow silently as he accepts the truth that he should have already known. He was so stupid for having even the slightest glimmer of hope that Taehyun might just remember him, after a year. He thought that maybe after so long, Taehyun’s mind would be triggered, and he’d immediately remember, but in the end, he expected too much. 

And although Taehyun didn’t seem to be in pain of any sort, Beomgyu still knows to be cautious of triggering his memories and hurting him without meaning to. He sighs, quickly wiping his tears and returning to work. 

He has no time to dwell on any of this. He can save it for tonight, when he’s alone and free to cry openly. Or so he tells himself, but he can’t get the image of Taehyun’s familiar smile and his gentle voice out of his head (quite literally), and he can’t help but miss it terribly. He’s always had his good memories of Taehyun (every single type of his smiles and the different ways his voice can sound) to live on, but gaining new memories of Taehyun is something foreign to Beomgyu. It’s something he never expected he would have the privilege to experience again. 

Although soulmates can remember every memory ever shared between them, there’s still a sense of distinction between the nostalgia of early or childhood memories, and fresh memories. It’s hard to explain, but perhaps when older memories can get muddled, the exact dates and times blurring together, newer memories are fresh and clearer than the rest. 

And after a year and a few months of having no new memories, the sensation is foreign to Beomgyu. It feels… unreal. Like this shouldn’t be happening. Beomgyu’s hands start shaking as his mind starts to panic. 

_‘What other new memories will there be? What if there are only bad memories? What if I end up hurting Taehyun? I’d never forgive myself again… What if…’_

“Hey. We should probably talk… Beom, are you okay?” 

Beomgyu looks up from his shaking hands and blinks away small tears as he looks into Yeonjun’s worried eyes. He quickly wipes his tears with his sleeve and swallows. 

“Sorry… what did you say? I wasn’t paying attention.” Beomgyu forces a chuckle. 

“We need to talk. I can see that you’re already not okay. Are you free?” 

“It’s quiet anyway. I’ll make us coffee.” Beomgyu nods. 

Yeonjun flashes a smile and heads over to a table by the window, scrolling through his phone while waiting. 

Beomgyu returns with Yeonjun’s cappuccino and his hazelnut latte, and a blueberry muffin to share. 

“Next time, you’re paying, okay? Don’t get used to me treating you.” Beomgyu chuckles. 

“I know. Good thing this place is cheaper than others, though.” Yeonjun sips his coffee. “I’m guessing you met him today?” 

“Oh wow, how’d you know?” Beomgyu says sarcastically with a harsh tone. 

“Beom, I’m really sorry. I…”

“You what? Forgot to tell me that he enrolled into our university? That he was planning on coming here? Where you _knew_ he would meet me more likely than not?” Beomgyu scoffs. “Yeah, thanks for letting me know, hyung.”

“It’s not like that. I wasn’t sure how you’d respond, and I didn’t want you to… I dunno, overreact and transfer or something.” Yeonjun sighs. 

“And you expected me not to overreact by not telling me? Hyung, he’s my fucking soulmate! The one that I haven’t seen in over a year! Of course I’m going to react like this!” Beomgyu raises his voice, frustrated and annoyed. 

“I said sorry, okay?! Be mad at me all you want, but please… This is your chance. You can’t keep running away from him. It’s a sign.” Yeonjun pleads. 

“You can’t be serious. Hyung, we’ve already been through this a thousand times.” Beomgyu sighs, running a hand through his hair. 

“Beomgyu, there’s a reason why he’s here in your life again. So you can make him remember and both feel whole again. You _have_ to stop with the guilt. It wasn’t your fault.” 

“Yes, it was. I started the whole fight and that’s what got us into this mess in the first place.” Beomgyu feels his eyes burning again. “It was all my fault, and I _hurt_ him. I hurt my soulmate, hyung. I don’t have the right to even be _near_ him anymore. I… I can’t-”

Beomgyu chokes a sob and Yeonjun squeezes his hand to reassure him. 

“Beom, I _know_ it’s hard, and I’ve seen you hurting and blaming yourself for an _accident_ , but this needs to stop. You couldn’t have known that it would happen, okay?” 

“But it doesn’t change the fact that we fought over something so _stupid_ and I caused everything!” 

Yeonjun slaps him lightly as he starts to panic again and says firmly, “Listen to me, Beomgyu. You can’t do shit about the past. It already happened and Taehyun came out alive and okay and the only thing he’s missing is you. So why don’t you focus on bringing him back to you and making it up to him by being part of his life?” 

Beomgyu sobs softly, considering Yeonjun’s words and wishing that they could make sense to him. But they don’t. It was all his fault. _He_ was the one who broke them apart, so _he’s_ the one who deserves to live with this pain. Taehyun is perfectly fine without him, and if he can live without the pain and suffering that Beomgyu would bring, that would be enough. Beomgyu just wants Taehyun to be happy. And to do that, he can’t have Beomgyu in his life. He doesn’t need him. 

The guilt and the regrets and disgusting memories continue to grow the poison in Beomgyu’s heart, but he doesn’t mind. If he’s poisoned and contagious, then all the more that Taehyun needs to stay away from him. In Beomgyu’s fixed mindset, he’s only capable of causing Taehyun more pain. No matter how many times this Taehyun might smile with him every day, it’s nothing compared to the grief that Beomgyu would bring back if Taehyun were to remember. 

Beomgyu needs to protect Taehyun, and to do that, he can’t be with him. 

“I can’t. Hyung, you don’t understand. I _can’t_ be with him. I can’t hurt him again, and end up doing something worse.”

“Then don’t! Learn from your mistakes! Treasure him properly and talk things through! Beom, you can make it work, please-”

“Why are you always so persistent in bringing us back together?! This is my life, and I decide how to live it! It’s none of your business!”

“What the hell, Beomgyu? You’re my two best friends and you expect me to just watch you both suffer like this when I can help you two be happy?” 

“I expect you to stay out of my business and to protect _him_. You promised me. Please, you’re the only one I can count on.” Beomgyu wipes his tears and stands up. “Please, just make sure he’s happy.” 

“Don’t you understand? He _can’t_ be happy without _you_.” 

“Well he sure fucking looks like it.” 

Beomgyu takes their cups and heads to the kitchen in the back. When he returns, immediately going to clean the coffee machine, he doesn’t spare Yeonjun another glance as he sighs and walks out the door. 

It isn’t the first time he and Yeonjun have argued about it, but it’s certainly been a while. Beomgyu understands that Yeonjun is just trying to look out for him, but Yeonjun doesn’t understand that Beomgyu has no right to be with Taehyun anymore. He forfeited any rights as soon as he caused everything. Yeonjun argues that they’re still soulmates, and that Beomgyu has a duty to abide by, but for Beomgyu, he cut himself from Taehyun’s life for the greater good. It’s better for him this way. And soon, he’ll be satisfied without a soulmate. 

Or so Beomgyu has always thought.

  
  


But in reality, Taehyun believes he will never be satisfied until he finds his soulmate. There’s the sense of belonging and fulfilment and feeling completed that everyone always talks about when it comes to soulmates. And Taehyun wants to experience it more than anything else. He doesn’t remember the moment when Yeonjun told him he’d found his soulmate in his first year of university, but he could always see how perfect they were for each other, even through the few times Soobin visited, or from Yeonjun’s social media posts. It’s a love that Taehyun has always longed for. 

And the worst part is that Taehyun can _feel_ it. He can feel the absence of his soulmate, which is apparently abnormal, as other people would never understand how he felt in high school. Even the doctors who looked after him after his accident had commented on how it was strange. 

Ever since the accident, things were weird for Taehyun, although he can’t really seem to tell if they were normal for him before. He knows from the accident that he sustained some brain damage, and that’s why he might forget some things, but the dreams and the pain of missing someone he doesn’t even know was something new to him. 

Sometimes he remembers his dreams, and other times he doesn’t, but one thing is clear. There’s almost always the same boy. As if the mysterious boy is haunting him. Is it someone he knew before? Someone that he will meet in the future? Taehyun would have thought it was just a strange coincidence (since he’s heard of recurring motifs in people’s dreams), but the sense of loss and grief that he experiences sometimes convinces him that it’s not. 

Surely, this boy is his soulmate. There’s no other explanation for them meeting in his dreams so often, and for the tears he sheds as he wakes up, or even when he starts crying randomly for no reason at all. 

He knows he’s missing him, missing the other half of his soul, and yet he can never seem to remember anything about him. He doesn’t remember his face, or his voice, or even what he looks like. It’s always a blur, but the boy gives him a warmth that he can’t understand and yet that also makes him feel at home. It irks him to no end, and even more prominently, that he can never seem to find him. 

But Taehyun will spend his life searching for him, if that’s what it takes. He just _knows_. He _needs_ to find his soulmate. He vaguely wonders if his soulmate dreams of him too. Maybe it’s just something shared between the two of them. 

Whether his soulmate is waiting for him or not, he can’t be content without knowing who he is and knowing that he’s happy. He’s never met anyone with a platonic soulmate, but if his soulmate wanted it, he’d at least consider it. Perhaps once they meet, things would change. Or perhaps his soulmate is like him, and he can’t wait to meet Taehyun too. 

From the warmth and love that Taehyun feels in their dreams, he can already tell that his soulmate is amazing. Even though he forgets each dream after a day, the boy’s gentle and comforting presence never changes. Taehyun just wishes he could meet him for real, and not just in their dreams that he’s so prone to forgetting. 

Taehyun is convinced that he’ll know straightaway. That the moment he meets the boy, they won’t only make the soulbond, but there’ll be a blossoming warmth in his heart that he can’t find anywhere else. It’ll feel so right and perfect and everything will be okay. 

If fate is kind to him and lets them meet, there’s no way he’ll miss him. He has already become someone important to Taehyun, and someone that Taehyun would never let go.


	3. latibule

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _latibule (n.)_ \- a hiding place; a place of safety and comfort

By the end of their first week of university, Beomgyu has fallen into a painful and vicious cycle. It’s only been a few days, and already, Beomgyu hates every interaction more and more. 

On Wednesday, Taehyun came to the café, all bright and smiling, knocking the breath out of Beomgyu first thing in the morning. He’d always dreamed of being able to make coffees for his boyfriend (now ex, he supposes) or being visited at work by him, able to energise him during tough shifts. This isn’t how Beomgyu had imagined it, though. In Beomgyu’s ideal world, Taehyun would greet him, order his usual, and then Beomgyu would demand him to come around the counter to give him a kiss and a hug, no matter how many people there’d be in the café already. He’d make Taehyun back hug him lovingly as he prepares his coffee, and he’d probably whine and complain when Taehyun would have to leave. 

Instead, Taehyun smiled at him, completely innocent, and ordered a regular caramel macchiato. 

“Thank you very much! I came here yesterday and all I remember is that the coffee was great.” Taehyun chuckled. 

“I’m glad to hear that.” Beomgyu smiled back, laughing to himself bitterly at the irony. 

Taehyun remembered coming to the café, and walking out with a coffee, but everything else was a blur to him. If anything, Beomgyu was surprised he came back, expecting him to forget he’d even visited the small café. And yet here he was again, standing in front of Beomgyu like nothing had ever happened yesterday. 

“Thank you!” He grinned as he made his way out. “Have a good day!” 

“You too.” Beomgyu smiled. 

On Thursday, Beomgyu didn’t think he’d meet Taehyun, but he was proven wrong when he was hanging out with Yeonjun at lunch, sitting with him in the grassy area under a tree. 

“Junnie-hyung!” Taehyun called out, jogging over to them. 

“Oh! Hey, Tae. How’s it been?” Yeonjun smiled wide. 

“This is my roommate, Kai.” Taehyun said as Kai waved at them. “Could we eat with you?” 

“Yeah, that’s fine.” 

Beomgyu didn’t miss the look of pity that Yeonjun gave him, as if apologising in advance. Beomgyu simply smiled and shuffled so that they could make a bigger circle of five. 

“This is Soobin, Junnie-hyung’s soulmate and boyfriend,” Taehyun gestured to Soobin, “And this is…” 

“Beomgyu. Yeonjun and Soobin’s friend.” He forced a smile. “Nice to meet you.” 

“Cool! Thanks for letting us eat with you. Taehyunnie mentioned that he had a third-year friend and luckily, he managed to spot you.” Kai chuckled. 

Beomgyu tried not to feel bitter towards Kai for being so comfortable and casual with Taehyun already. The rational part of his mind told him it was good that Taehyun had such a kind and bubbly roommate, yet he couldn’t help but feel jealous at the nickname. Although on a positive note, it wasn’t the nickname that Beomgyu used for Taehyun, so at least it couldn’t trigger him. 

The whole time, Beomgyu stayed silent, quietly eating his food as he listened to Taehyun and Kai’s recounts of their first classes and lectures. He learnt that Kai was studying to be a primary school teacher, whereas Taehyun was studying psychology.

“Psychology?” Beomgyu spoke out loud accidentally, shocked. 

“Yeah. I want to be a therapist, I think. Definitely something to do with helping people.” Taehyun said. “Is there something wrong, Beomgyu-hyung?” 

“N-Nothing. I didn’t pick you as a psychology student.” Beomgyu laughed it off and returned to his food. 

He was surprised, mainly because he’d always believed that Taehyun would pursue music like him. Taehyun loved singing and even tried writing his own lyrics once, and he always enjoyed it when Beomgyu played with him. Beomgyu excused himself to the bathroom as he felt the guilt rushing back, squeezing his chest painfully. 

It was like a huge smack to the face, being reminded of the fact that he was never there for Taehyun during his final year of school. While Taehyun supported Beomgyu and walked by his side for most of the way (memories of study dates and Beomgyu falling asleep in the library with Taehyun came rushing past), Taehyun didn’t have Beomgyu by his side. Heck, Beomgyu never even got to ask him what _he_ wanted to do. It was always about Beomgyu’s career path, and he’d just assumed that Taehyun would follow him without question. Beomgyu realised just how selfish he was, and how narrow-minded he was for thinking Taehyun didn’t have dreams of his own. 

Beomgyu locked himself in the cubicle and sat curled up on the toilet again, crying softly. Just _how_ stupid was Beomgyu back then? The voices became louder and louder again, and he couldn’t stop them once they’d started. 

_‘What kind of a boyfriend doesn’t think about his partner? You only thought about yourself. Even that night, you forced your opinions onto Taehyun without listening to him.’_

_‘Shut up! I know. I know.’_ Beomgyu pleaded to the voices, more guilt eating away at his heart. 

_‘Even now, you’re so selfish, spending time with Taehyun for your own personal gain. What if he doesn’t even want to see you? What if his soul is hurting him? What if you hurt him again?’_

_‘I… I don’t know. Please… stop…’_

“Beomgyu-hyung?” 

The concerned voice cut through, and Beomgyu sniffled, quickly wiping his tears and coughing to clear his throat. He panicked. He could pretend he’s someone else, but that’d be suspicious, because he clearly said he had to go to the bathroom, and he’d left his bag and belongings with the group. 

“Yeah?” He said, hoping he sounded normal enough. 

“Are you okay?” Taehyun asked, sweet as ever, standing in front of his cubicle. 

“I’m fine. Might’ve eaten something weird.” Beomgyu said. “I’ll be out in a minute.” 

“Okay. Do you need to visit the nurse? Are you feeling nauseous at all?” 

“I said I’m fine.” Beomgyu hated being harsh when he didn’t want to. “I feel better after throwing up.” 

“If you say so. I’ll wait outside.” 

Beomgyu sighed with defeat. Taehyun was just too kind for his own good. Beomgyu hummed with approval, giving in, and took another minute to wipe his tears and clear his nose. Strangely enough, the voices stopped, no doubt thanks to Taehyun’s distraction. Beomgyu laughed at how ironic it was that Taehyun had yet again both caused his meltdown and been the one to save him. Except it wasn’t the memories that helped him this time, it was Taehyun in the flesh, his beautiful voice cutting through everything else. Beomgyu flushed the toilet, washed his face, and smiled back at Taehyun when he emerged. 

“Let me know if you feel unwell, okay, hyung?” Taehyun said. 

“I will.” 

Later, they went to the café where Beomgyu worked, as per Taehyun’s request, although Beomgyu refused their offer since he “had a class to attend”. He didn’t. 

_‘This is better for him anyway.’_ Beomgyu thought to himself. _‘He needs to remember the café and not just forget it because of me.’_

And it worked. Because the next morning, Taehyun walked in, still bright and smiling as always. Nothing could prepare Beomgyu for the pain of Taehyun’s next words. 

“Hi! This place is always so lovely. I’ve been coming here for the past few days, but I’ve never seen you.” Taehyun said, slightly confused. “Oh, are you a new worker?” 

Beomgyu forced a smile and held back hot tears as he said, “Yes. I just started today.” 

“Oh! Well, I guess I’ll see you around more often, then!” Taehyun beamed. 

“Thank you. I look forward to seeing you.” 

Thankfully, Taehyun didn’t voice his thoughts when he sipped his caramel macchiato, internally questioning how it was perfect and made just the way he liked it, the taste awfully familiar, otherwise Beomgyu might have broken down right there and then. 

Beomgyu would have to get used to this, serving Taehyun regularly and pretending like he was fine when he was anything _but_. 

The thing that tempted Beomgyu, however, was precisely the fact that Taehyun wouldn’t remember each day. A part of Beomgyu (and maybe his soul) longed to indulge in spending time with Taehyun again, living each day like a dream and an illusion of the life he’d always wanted with Taehyun. Beomgyu could confess to Taehyun every day, and there could be a different reaction every time. Heck, Beomgyu could tell him the truth, and he could hope that it would do _something_ to Taehyun, if he really wanted to. 

But there’s a boundary. He didn’t _really_ want to risk it all, doing whatever he wanted each day. It could have the opposite effect, only hurting Taehyun more, and Beomgyu just simply didn’t know. Beomgyu knew it would hurt too much, indulging in Taehyun’s presence and only being met with heartbreak every time he wouldn’t remember it. 

Beomgyu already settled on only letting fate decide. Maybe this was how it would be, just seeing Taehyun at his shifts and with Yeonjun every now and then. Every interaction was so unique and different, and yet so… Taehyun. Despite him losing his memories, nothing could change who Taehyun inherently was, anyway. There was still Taehyun’s infectious smile and his habit of scratching his neck and his smart remarks, and Beomgyu was grateful that he didn’t take those away from Taehyun when he’d taken the memories of them with him. 

So yes, Beomgyu hates every interaction and the pain and heartache that they bring him, but he’s not sure if being without Taehyun would be much better. These days, he’s been conflicted. He wishes he didn’t have to meet Taehyun every day, but if he didn’t, he knows he would only miss him more, hoping to see him before the day ends. It’s a vicious cycle where Beomgyu introduces himself, enjoys his time with Taehyun, wishes he had more, cries himself to sleep, and then starts the day all over again when he meets Taehyun for the first time. Beomgyu’s conflicted because he’s just not sure whether he’d _really_ prefer a life without Taehyun after all. Even waking up and wondering about how he would meet Taehyun is enough for Beomgyu to feel motivated, and that says lengths about how much impact Taehyun has on his life. 

Beomgyu ponders whether it’s because in the end, they’re still bonded and they’re still soulmates. He’s missed having a soulmate, despite getting so used to living without him. He’s gotten used to having to write things down to remind himself, rather than texting Taehyun about it to remember, or even something as simple as needing a photo of his timetable on his phone, because he can’t just tell it to Taehyun and store the memory in his brain. It’s not that simple anymore. He can’t take advantage of the soulmate system like so many other people can. He’s become like those without a soulmate, only relying on themselves for memory. Perhaps, Beomgyu has become independent just like Taehyun wanted for him a year ago. 

Beomgyu tries to block out the memories and wonders about what Taehyun thinks about soulmates. He’s forgotten that he already has a soulmate, but he’s likely still aware of the soulmate system. He’s probably also surrounded by people who have recently discovered their soulmate, since it’s most common for soulmates to meet at university. In that sense, Beomgyu had always thought that he and Taehyun were lucky, meeting when they were only 9 and 10. He thought, the earlier the better. Now, he agrees less with the thought. 

There are perks that come with it. Beomgyu would argue that there’s no one in the world who knows Taehyun better than he does. And sometimes, this comes in handy, because he’s able to help Taehyun from a distance, without him even knowing it’s Beomgyu. If he can help Taehyun indirectly, he’ll do anything for the boy. Beomgyu thinks back to when Yeonjun was visiting Taehyun during the holidays before his final exams, and how he’d given Yeonjun a multitude of gifts for Taehyun, including his favourite candles, a set of his favourite pens he likes to study with, and even a playlist to help him study. (The previous study playlist was wiped from Taehyun’s library, because they’d made it together.)

 _“So? Did he like them?”_ Beomgyu had asked on their phone call.

“Yeah, he did. He asked me how I knew he was running out of ink for his pens, and thanked me since they’re kinda pricey.” Yeonjun chuckled. 

_“Did anything happen? Is he okay? Did he listen to the playlist yet?”_

“Calm down, Beom. He’s fine. He said he really liked the scent, and no, he hasn’t listened to the playlist yet.” Yeonjun sighed. He understood Beomgyu’s concern, but Taehyun showed no signs of remembering anything, as always. 

The next day, Taehyun simply told Yeonjun that he loved the playlist, and then proceeded to make a mixed expression. 

“Are you okay, Tae?” Yeonjun asked. 

“I’m fine.” Taehyun smiled. “I just really _really_ love it for some reason. Thanks.” 

Remembering the memory from only a few months ago makes Beomgyu wonder if he can do something similar. Maybe he isn’t supposed to be friends with Taehyun, or to meet him at all. Maybe he’s just supposed to help him from afar, without interacting with him personally at all. 

_‘That would keep Taehyun the safest. If I stay away, he’ll definitely be okay.’_ Beomgyu sighs to himself. 

Beomgyu starts to think about what Taehyun might like as a housewarming or “welcome to university” gift. Maybe he could send Taehyun anonymous messages to encourage him. Although, most of the gifts that Beomgyu thinks of are things that he’d already given him in the past. (Not that he remembers.) But Beomgyu doesn’t want to risk it, even if there’s a slim chance of it triggering his memories. There’s always a constant conflict between wanting to satisfy his selfish desires and protecting Taehyun by staying away, for his sake. 

Later in the night, Beomgyu is curled up on his couch, attempting to study. Ever since he lost Taehyun, Beomgyu has been focusing more on his studies and become more self-disciplined. Part of it is the fact that he wants to make it up to Taehyun and make him proud. The other part is that studying is one of the only things that Beomgyu can do to distract his mind and to keep him from spiraling so often. 

All it takes is one flash of blue lightning and the crack of thunder in the distance for Beomgyu to shoot his head up in realisation. His chest seizes, panic already racing in his mind, and he calls Yeonjun without a second to waste. 

_“Beomgyu? What’s-”_

“Where’s Taehyun?” Beomgyu asks, voice slightly raised and clearly shaky. 

_“He should be in his dorm. Why?”_

“Do you have Kai’s contact?” 

_“Yeah, I have his number. What’s up?”_

“Y-You need to tell him to get to Taehyun. There’s a storm. He’s scared of storms, hyung.” Beomgyu takes a breath to calm himself. “Listen carefully. Kai needs to hold him and rub his back, a-and sing him a song. It helps to soothe him and calm him down. Please, hyung-”

 _“ Woah, calm down, Beomgyu. Just breathe for me._ ” Yeonjun says calmly. _“I’ll call Kai, okay? I’ll call you back after I’ve confirmed he’s with Taehyun.”_

“Thank you, hyung. Thank you.” Beomgyu gasps, breathing slightly laboured as he ends the call. 

Kai finds it odd when he gets the incoming call from Yeonjun late at night, especially when the elder hasn’t really interacted with him much. 

“What’s up, Yeonjun-hyung?” He asks. 

_“Where’s Taehyun?”_

“He should be in his room studying. Why do you ask?” Kai asks, confused. 

_“There’s a storm. He’s scared of storms. Listen, you need to hold him and rub his back, but more importantly, sing him a song. It’ll get him to calm down and maybe sleep._ ” Yeonjun explains.

“Wha- hyung, where is this all coming from?” 

_“Kai, please. Just check on him for me and be there for him. Tell me when you’ve got him.”_

“O-Okay.” Kai says, making his way to Taehyun’s room. 

Sure enough, Taehyun has abandoned his studies on the table and is curled up underneath the blankets, rocking himself and covering his ears. 

“I’ve got him. I’ll text you later.” Kai hangs up. 

“Taehyunnie, hey, I’ve got you.” 

Kai does as Yeonjun instructed him and he opens his arms out for Taehyun to hug him, and rubs his back in small circular motions. The smaller boy simply sobs in his arms, clearly distraught by the thunder. 

He doesn’t know exactly what songs would be suitable for calming Taehyun down, but he picks one that he thinks has a soothing tone to it. 

Taehyun is grateful for Kai’s comfort, as the storm had caught him off by surprise. He thought he’d be able to endure it, like many times before, but he couldn’t deny that he felt a rush of relief when Kai opened his door. 

He sobs into Kai’s arms, seeking comfort in his warmth, but for some reason, it’s both right and wrong at the same time. The rubbing on his back soothes him more than he expected, but something feels strange about it. 

It’s only when Kai starts to sing that Taehyun starts crying for a different reason. One that he doesn’t even understand. 

His head starts to hurt and he hears a different voice. A silky voice like honey that sings a different song. One that he’s somehow so familiar with. He feels strong arms wrap around him with a warmth that he can’t explain, and the specific pattern of rubs that the unknown figure does. He remembers lying down in his arms, listening to his voice and his words of comfort, and Taehyun cries. 

This boy is different from Kai. Kai is not the same. That’s why it feels weird.

The memory of the boy fades, leaving Taehyun to chase after it. 

“Don’t go-” Taehyun sobs, reaching a hand out. 

“Taehyunnie? It’s okay, I’m here.” Kai says, continuing to rub his back. 

But Taehyun just starts sobbing again, not even caring that he’s wetting Kai’s shirt. 

He’s lost him again. He doesn’t remember. 

And it frustrates Taehyun to no end. He _knows_. He _knows_ he’s missing someone. But he doesn’t know who. He yearns for the warmth again, but alas, he falls asleep without ever experiencing it again. 

  
  
  


It happens again the next day, except this time Taehyun is studying in the library. He sees the rain and he gets worried, but while he’s packing up, the thunder booms and he drops everything to cover his ears in panic. 

_‘It’s okay. It’s just a little thunder. You’re safe._ ’ Taehyun tries to convince himself as he packs his things at lightning speed, shoving everything into his bag. 

But if he thinks about it, he’s probably safer here. Trying to get home during a thunderstorm would do more harm than good. He decides to find a secluded corner of the library, in one of the aisles, and hopes that his music will be enough to drown out the thunder. 

He turns a corner to get to the last aisle and bumps into someone. 

“S-Sorry! Beomgyu-ssi?” Taehyun looks at the boy he’d met earlier at lunch. 

Beomgyu’s heart never fails to ache at the sound of Taehyun calling him in such a formal way. 

“Taehyun-ssi! Are you okay? Sorry, I didn’t see you there.” Beomgyu apologises. 

“I’m fine, I should have-”

The thunder cracks and Taehyun’s body jumps involuntarily. His hands fly to his ears, and suddenly he’s pulled into Beomgyu’s arms as they sit down. 

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay, I’ve got you.” Beomgyu cuddles him close and strokes his back up and down.

Taehyun freezes. He feels the familiar warmth. He knows these strokes. 

Beomgyu starts to sing for him—Nap of a Star. 

Taehyun cries.

It’s the song. The one from his dreams. The boy.

The boy is Beomgyu.

“It’s you.” Taehyun sobs. “You’re the boy.” 

Beomgyu pauses his singing and looks at Taehyun, confused. He doesn’t want to hope. He knows Taehyun doesn’t remember. He doesn’t need to set himself up for disappointment. 

“W-What do you mean?” Beomgyu asks, voice wavering with uncertainty.

“I know you. I’ve been looking for you.” Taehyun sobs, cupping Beomgyu’s cheeks. “You’re the one who comforts me during storms. N-Nap of a Star. That’s the song, right?” 

Beomgyu can hardly believe what he’s hearing. 

“H-Hyunnie, do you remember?” Beomgyu’s hands start to shake. 

“I… What do you mean? Remember?” Taehyun’s face contorts and twists into one of confusion. “I don’t understand. I only just met you today.” 

Beomgyu’s heart drops.

Of course.

He was stupid for even hoping.

“I-It’s nothing.” Beomgyu chokes back a sob. “F-Forget it.” 

“W-What do you mean? What do you know? I’ve been looking for this boy, and I think it’s you, but why did you ask me if I remember?” Taehyun panics. “Did I know you before? Is that why you’re in my dreams?”

 _‘Fuck._ ’ Beomgyu thinks. _‘You’re making it worse, Beomgyu. Look what you did now.’_

“I…” Beomgyu is speechless.

Is there a possibility that Taehyun will remember him? What if Beomgyu tells him the truth? Will he remember everything? Or will it only confuse the boy more?

“Just tell me the truth, please. I’ve been dreaming of this boy for so long, and I can never seem to find him or remember what he looks like or sounds like, but you feel familiar. I can’t explain it, but I think you’re him. Why?” Taehyun cries. 

“I can’t do this. You won’t remember.” Beomgyu grits his teeth, already getting up to leave. 

“What do you mean, ‘I won’t remember’?!” Taehyun demands, grabbing hold of Beomgyu’s wrist. 

“You won’t remember because of the accident, Taehyun!” Beomgyu raises his voice, choking up with tears. “Just leave it. You won’t remember any of this, trust me.”

“Please, Beomgyu, I just want answers.” Taehyun pleads. 

“Don’t you understand?!” Beomgyu cries. “There’s no point. Just let me go, so I can keep living this miserable life with all our memories.” 

Taehyun watches as Beomgyu cries, and he lets go. Beomgyu immediately runs off, arm wiping his tears away as he exits the library. 

It leaves Taehyun even more confused. Why won’t he remember? What happened before the accident? Who was Beomgyu to him? 

The storm subsides and Taehyun wipes his tears. He’s sure that Beomgyu is the same boy from his dreams. But why did he refuse to tell Taehyun anything? He clearly knows _something_. 

Taehyun decides to try and ask Yeonjun about it. He’s friends with Beomgyu, and he’d been by Taehyun’s side during his recovery, so surely he’d know something too. He calls him, but all of them go to his voicemail, weirdly enough. 

Yeonjun sees Taehyun’s calls and sighs as he reluctantly turns off his phone. 

“Junnie? What’s up?” Soobin asks. 

“Nothing. Just wanna focus on you, baby.” Yeonjun giggles and cuddles Soobin closer as they watch their movie. 

Beomgyu had already messaged him before Taehyun called. 

**beomgyu**

> if taehyun tries to call you, don’t pick up, please

> i stuffed up, hyung

> i let myself hope

**yeonjun**

don’t blame yourself, beom <

i’ll call you later <

Taehyun sighs, unable to reach Yeonjun at all. He supposes he can just ask him the next day. He decides not to tell Kai, because there’d be no point, and he’s already been burdening Kai with his weird thing about dreams and the boy. 

And that’s where Taehyun makes his big mistake.

Because the next day, he wakes up and Beomgyu is proven right. 

He forgets everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year to all my readers! i hope 2021 is kinder and better to all of us.  
> i'm very thankful for you all, and hope that i can improve to be a better writer for you all. thank you always for your support.  
> i love you ♡♡♡


	4. lacuna

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _lacuna (n.)_ – a blank space or a missing part

“Why doesn’t he remember you?”

Beomgyu’s hand flinches as he reaches for his coffee and sips it.

“What do you mean?”

Kai had decided to visit Beomgyu during his break one morning, during the second week of university. Beomgyu had his suspicions about the conversation, since he and Kai had never really interacted, and Kai only ever came to the café if he was with Taehyun or the others. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for it, though.

“You know exactly what I mean.” Kai says firmly. “How would you feel if your friend didn’t remember someone, and not the other person he’d met the same day? If he’d come home talking about the new café worker, Beomgyu, that he met, despite us having lunch only two days beforehand? Beomgyu, that’s not normal.”

Beomgyu bites his lip. This is the thing about the accident. It only affects Taehyun’s memory. If he discloses anything about Beomgyu to other people, they’ll find out quickly when he can’t remember him. He has no control over what Taehyun’s friends hear, and it makes Beomgyu feel guilty at having to tell Kai about Taehyun’s accident. Although, he guesses he should be happy that Taehyun doesn’t have many other friends aside from Kai. 

“Why is it only you?” Kai asks softly.

Beomgyu sighs and takes another sip. He knew he couldn’t avoid this any longer. It’s easy to run away from Taehyun, but when it comes to others, it’s a different story. With others, Beomgyu has to steel himself and stay grounded, even when his instincts tell him to flee from the pain.

“We’re soulmates.”

Kai stares in shock, mouth slightly agape.

“Soulmates? But that… that doesn’t make sense-“

“He had an accident. Hurt his head badly, and now the effects are reversed. I can still remember every single little thing, but he _can’t._ Every memory he creates with me is lost once he falls asleep.” Beomgyu swirls his mug of coffee around. He doesn’t cry. He’s already numbed himself to the pain, especially in front of other people. Somehow, explaining it is always easier than when Beomgyu is by himself and the weight of his words hits him suddenly. Taehyun will never remember him.

“But that’s… terrible. That means…”

“It’s worse when I tell you that we’ve been friends since we were kids.” Beomgyu chuckles bitterly, gripping his mug tighter. “We thought we had forever together. And now it’s just an endless cycle. Who knew how painful introductions could be?”

Kai frowns, ignoring his own ache in his chest.

“Beomgyu-hyung… Surely he can remember. Especially now that you’re here, with him physically. If you just help him-“

“I can’t! I’m the one who caused the accident. I deserve everything that I’ve ever had to suffer through. Don’t turn into another Yeonjun-hyung because I won’t. I _won’t_ ruin his life again.” Beomgyu feels his eyes burning.

“Hyung… Don’t you know he’s missing a part of himself? That he’s missing you?” Kai frowns. “He dreams about you and he searches for you, because he _knows_ you’re out there. He won’t stop until he finds you.”

Beomgyu is reminded of Taehyun’s confession of the ‘boy’ he meets in his dreams, and how he’d known it was Beomgyu, before he forgot. His soul cries out at the thought of Taehyun dreaming about him and searching for him. It seems Beomgyu wasn’t the only one plagued with dreams.

But even if Taehyun is searching for him, his findings won’t find any fruit. Beomgyu had already witnessed that truth when Taehyun had found him but forgotten again. It’s all so pointless. No matter how many times Taehyun will find his way into Beomgyu’s life, there’s no point unless he stays and remembers.

If Taehyun is going to keep searching for him, all Beomgyu has to do is to keep out of his reach. What Beomgyu believes, that nobody seems to understand, is that Taehyun will learn to fill in the missing piece, because Beomgyu is no longer a perfect fit. His guilt changed him, and he’ll never be able to complete Taehyun like he did before.

“He’ll give up. Because he’s better off without that part.” Beomgyu hisses and leaves without another word.

Later, during Beomgyu’s lunch break, a familiar blue-haired person sits down at his table.

“Oh god, not you too.” Beomgyu rolls his eyes and groans. “Who sent you? Kai? Yeonjun-hyung?”

“Calm down. No one sent me, Beomgyu-ah. You’re overreacting.” Soobin chuckles. “Can’t I just check in on my best friend?”

“You can, but preferably _not_ when my mood is already sour.” Beomgyu sighs.

“What happened? Did you see him?” Soobin asks softly.

“No…” Beomgyu puts his sandwich down. “I had to tell Kai. He came this morning to ask me why he wouldn’t remember.”

“Ahh… I see. That mustn’t have been easy.”

“Yeah, well, it was bound to happen.”

“So, how are you holding up?”

“First of all, you have to promise that you won’t be like Yeonjun-hyung and Kai.” Beomgyu says firmly.

“How so? Telling you to be with Taehyun?” Soobin queries calmly.

“Yes. God, I’m so _tired_ of it. Why can’t everyone understand me? I just _can’t._ ” Beomgyu clenches his fists.

“Beomgyu-ah.” Soobin puts a hand over his shaking fists. “You know they mean well. They’re just trying to help. Junnie… he gets so devastated every time he thinks about you two. He just wants to help you two to be happy.”

“I already told him to keep Taehyun happy! He promised me! As long as Taehyun is happy, I’m fine with that!” Beomgyu feels his eyes watering.

“But you aren’t.” Soobin says, almost a whisper.

It’s Soobin’s gentle nature and soft voice that Beomgyu is always weak to. It’s the way that Soobin’s eyes tell him that he understands Beomgyu’s pain, more so than anyone else could. It’s the way that Soobin always has a way with his words, that he manages to break Beomgyu within a sentence.

Beomgyu promptly breaks down, letting the tears run freely as he presses his eyes with his clenched fists, still shaking. Without any words needed, Soobin scoots closer to envelop Beomgyu in a hug. He rubs his back soothingly, hushing Beomgyu and telling him it’s okay.

“It hurts, hyung. _God_ , it hurts so much.” Beomgyu sobs.

“I know. It’s okay. Let it out, Beomgyu.”

“I just… I want him to be happy, and I _know_ that’s not with me, and it hurts.” Beomgyu hiccups. “I… Hyung, what am I supposed to do without him? Why can’t I ever be happy again? Why is everything so unfair?”

“I understand. And I’m sorry life is crappy at the moment.” Soobin sighs. “But Beomgyu, you can be selfish too. It’s okay to want Taehyun. It’s not wrong to be selfish about love, it’s human.”

“But… I _can’t._ It’s not right. I… I don’t have the right anymore. I hurt him.” Beomgyu clutches onto Soobin’s back.

“You don’t get to decide that, Beomgyu-ah. Don’t you think Taehyun deserves a chance too? A chance to remember you?” Soobin asks softly.

Beomgyu doesn’t reply, resorting to crying on Soobin’s shoulder. He’d never thought about what Taehyun would want, and that’s exactly why he’s the selfish one. It’s why, regardless of what Taehyun would think, Beomgyu doesn’t deserve his kindness and love. Not for what he’s done to them. In the end, it always comes back to his guilt, and Beomgyu doesn’t think it will ever go away. And he’s okay with that.

Soon, Soobin leaves and Beomgyu thanks him. Soobin has always been able to comfort Beomgyu and calm him down, and he coins it to Soobin’s parental nature. Sometimes fighting with Yeonjun can be tiring and annoying, making Soobin the gentler voice of reasoning. Rationally, he knows that they care about him and that they’re doing it for his sake, but what can he do? He’s stubborn, and Taehyun was the only person he yielded to and properly listened to. For Taehyun, he’d do anything. And the same applies to now. It’s all for Taehyun.

And yet, Beomgyu finds himself on a bench somewhere, after his shift has finished, contemplating his next actions. He’s so tempted to enjoy Taehyun, to allow himself to be happy again, even if it’s only temporary from day to day, and yet the voices tell him that he shouldn’t. That he can’t.

“Hey. Do you want this?”

Beomgyu looks up from his curled-up position on the bench, recognising the sweet voice, albeit more bland than usual.

“Why?” Beomgyu wipes his tears hurriedly.

“I’m not really sure. I saw you crying, and I knew I had to get you something. And it was this.”

Taehyun holds out an ice cream sandwich with the familiar wrapping from their childhood. It was the first treat Beomgyu ever got Taehyun, and it quickly became their comfort food, because it was the cheapest ice cream at every shop.

He starts to cry again.

God, they haven’t even met today yet.

“I’m just a stranger. Why would you give me something anyway? Do you do this regularly?” Beomgyu challenges him, even though he’s fully aware of the subconscious connection that Taehyun likely felt with him.

“No, but like I said… There was something about you.” Taehyun shrugs. “Take it, before it melts.”

Beomgyu hesitantly takes the ice cream sandwich, and he looks down, waiting for Taehyun to leave as the tears keep spilling from his eyes.

How crazy that even though Taehyun doesn’t remember, there are still things that he subconsciously remembers.

He doesn’t expect it when Taehyun sits down with him, unwrapping his own ice cream sandwich.

“Let’s not be strangers then.” Taehyun holds out a hand. “I’m Kang Taehyun. How about you?”

Beomgyu only cries more silent tears as he hears the familiar introductions from the boy.

“I… I’m Choi Beomgyu.” Beomgyu sniffles as he takes his hand.

He hates shaking hands with Taehyun. It reminds him of the privilege he had in holding Taehyun’s smaller hand in his, keeping them both warm as they happily went wherever the wind took them. The way that they fit together perfectly, like how their souls would complete each other. Now, it’s just a bitter and never-ending reminder of the fact that Taehyun doesn’t remember introducing himself like he has for the past week.

“Don’t cry, dummy. I’m here.” Taehyun smiles.

Beomgyu only nods as he unwraps the ice cream sandwich and bites into it. It still tastes the same, and the person he eats it with is the same. The memories come rushing back involuntarily, reminding him of countless afternoons where they’d take turns to treat each other and eat it before their parents could find out. But between them, their relationship is not the same. It’s broken, and Taehyun doesn’t know Beomgyu like he did before. Beomgyu can’t seem to stop crying, feeling overwhelmed again, but Taehyun just wraps an arm around him as they eat together.

It only makes Beomgyu cry more.

“So… do you have any classes left for the day?” Beomgyu asks after they’ve finished eating.

“No, thankfully. I was on my way home.” Taehyun smiles.

“Oh. Sorry for keeping you here, then.” Beomgyu apologises.

“It’s okay.” Taehyun giggles. “I got to meet you, Beomgyu… sunbaenim?”

Beomgyu is about to chuckle and ask him how he knew, but he stops himself, remembering that he shouldn’t know Taehyun’s age either.

“Uhh… I’m a second-year. How about you?”

“First-year. So you’re my sunbaenim.”

“You can call me hyung, though.” Beomgyu gives a small smile. “U-Unless you started university late?”

“Don’t worry, Beomgyu-hyung, I didn’t.” Taehyun grins. “Say, would you be free to hang out?”

 _‘Oh. This is new._ ’ Beomgyu thinks as his breath catches. 

“Umm… I am, but shouldn’t you be getting home?” Beomgyu asks nervously.

“I’m not in a hurry. We can go shopping together, if you’d like? Or actually, what _would_ you like to do?”

“I don’t really mind. Shopping is good. But why-“

“Why not? You’re my new friend, and I want to get to know you better.” Taehyun chuckles. “Come on, we can take the bus.”

“If you say so…” Beomgyu says softly.

His chest tightens with a mix of emotions—joy in spending time with Taehyun and fear of hurting Taehyun—that make him anxious. Should he really let this happen?

But Taehyun beckons him to follow, and Beomgyu finds himself too roped in to back out. Surely, he can indulge for just one day. He can stop running for once. This is the first time Taehyun has asked him out (for a friendly hang out), and Beomgyu can’t ignore the way his heart beats faster against his ribcage.

As they’re walking around the shops, both window-shopping and going inside a few, Beomgyu’s heart settles more and more. It’s Taehyun’s smile and the laugh he’s missed so much that allows Beomgyu, as if telling him that it’s okay. This time, he made the right decision. Even if Taehyun won’t remember it, Beomgyu can say that he made Taehyun happy at least once more.

The selfish part of Beomgyu is excited in knowing he’ll keep these new memories as good experiences, stored away to help him at his lowest. He just wishes it could last forever. That this could be his reality, going on dates with his soulmate after classes.

_‘Well… at least it’s not a dream. It’s real, but just for you.’_

Taehyun ends up buying a few bags of clothes, grateful for Beomgyu’s fashion advice.

“You really know how to style people in clothes that suit them, hyung.” Taehyun giggles. “Maybe you should consider fashion design like Yeonjun-hyung.”

“Nah, I’m not that good.” Beomgyu replies.

 _‘I only know how to style you because I know you, Taehyun._ ’ Beomgyu sighs to himself, remembering the younger boy’s preferences.

Obviously, it’s not that Taehyun lost his sense of fashion or style, but just that he’s pleasantly surprised at how Beomgyu read him so well. He convinces himself that it’s Beomgyu’s hidden talent. Taehyun finds himself more convinced as the elder chooses the restaurant that Taehyun was eyeing himself when they walked around for dinner options.

Beomgyu tried not to let his memories and knowledge of Taehyun influence their choices, but honestly, he couldn’t help it. He knew what suited Taehyun, and what Taehyun loved the most, and so he went along with it, wanting to make Taehyun as happy as possible.

Thankfully, Taehyun was naïve enough to conclude that Beomgyu was just good at reading people. But really, it’s just Taehyun. He’s like a book that Beomgyu knows every word to, knows the ins and outs of, and a book that he treasures with all his heart. But Beomgyu’s book has a lock on it, closed off to the world and only known by his Taehyun before the accident. As they get to know each other better, Beomgyu is careful with the information he gives, never prying into anything too personal or revealing anything Taehyun shouldn’t know.

And by the end of the day, Taehyun is satisfied, grateful for finding another friend in Beomgyu.

“Hyung, we should exchange numbers, so we can hang out again.” Taehyun says excitedly as they’re walking towards the dorms.

 _‘Crap. Didn’t think that one through, did you, Beomgyu?’_ He mocks himself.

“Umm… I’m actually planning on changing numbers soon. Getting a new phone and all.” Beomgyu chuckles nervously.

“Oh, that’s fine. I’ll give you mine, then! And then you can text me with your new number.” Taehyun smiles, already writing it down for him.

And Beomgyu can only stare at the numbers as if they’re not the same exact sequence he’s remembered for the past five years.

“Great. Thanks. I’ll definitely text you.” Beomgyu smiles.

“I can’t wait, hyung.” Taehyun says. “Well… here’s my stop. Thanks again for walking me, Beomgyu-hyung. You really didn’t have to.”

“I’m making up for taking you out for so long. Besides, going home alone isn’t very fun.”

“Says the one who’s going home alone now.” Taehyun remarks, giggling softly.

“I don’t live that far away. I’ll be fine, Taehyun.”

“If you say so, hyung.” Taehyun smiles. “I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah… see you around.” Beomgyu forces a smile.

There’s a moment of silence where Beomgyu doesn’t make a move. As he’s grounded, there’s an internal turmoil in his heart. Should he do it? Won’t he regret it? Will something happen to Taehyun?

But surely… just this once…

“Hyung?”

_‘Fuck it.’_

Beomgyu places a hand on Taehyun’s neck and presses warm lips to his. Taehyun tastes the same. Cherry lip balm and soft lips that slot together perfectly with Beomgyu’s. Lips that he hasn’t tasted in over a year. Ones that he only feels in his memories and dreams.

But when Taehyun whimpers softly and kisses back, Beomgyu pulls away, hands shaking and tears falling down his cheeks.

“I-I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have…” Beomgyu backs up.

“Wait, hyung-“

An outstretched arm.

A boy that runs away crying, yet again.

And the boy who is left behind, confused and lost.

His fingers travel to his cheeks and come back wet with liquid. But he doesn’t understand why.

The other boy runs and runs until his knees give out and he can’t keep going anymore, his chest aching uncomfortably as he cries out into the night. Half of him regrets it, wonders what the consequences will be, while the other half wants to taste the lips he’s missed all this time, and wonders what would have happened if he hadn’t run away.

But alas, what’s done is done, and there’s no turning back. Both boys are left as lost as the other.

* * *

The boy’s voice is but a quiet whisper, sweet words piercing the silence as his lips ghost over Taehyun’s.

“I will always love you.”

He parts all too quickly from the kiss—why does it make him feel like crying?—and before Taehyun can reach out, the pain and anguish on the boy’s face stops him. It’s the glossy eyes, wet with tears, and the sparkling tracks down his cheeks and the trembling of his lips as he breathes out shakily.

And he runs, leaving Taehyun in silence once more. Or rather, leaving him to the sound of his dripping tears and shaky breath.

  
  


Taehyun wakes up feeling empty. The unexplainable warmth from his dreams escapes him quickly, and he quickly scrambles to find his journal.

_‘Stop, don’t leave, please.’_

Taehyun takes the pen and scribbles down the details of his dream as quickly as he can.

_Kiss. Warmth. I will always love you. Crying. I was crying too. Brown hair? Or maybe black?_

And the dream leaves him.

Taehyun grabs tissues from the box on his bedside table, drying his tears and the wet splotches on his page, messy with smudged ink. He repeats the words to himself over and over, trying to calm the erratic beating of his heart.

Underneath the mess of words from his dream, he writes down his emotions upon waking up.

_Empty. Lost. Missing._

It’s almost always the same words, Taehyun sighs to himself as he flips back to the previous pages.

Taehyun’s dream journal is arguably his most valued possession. It’s the only connection that he has to the boy. It’s the only way for him to collect his memories about the boy that he seems to lose every new morning. It’s the only thing that can give Taehyun hints to help find the boy, and yet, there hasn’t been much luck. As he looks back, he realises that he’s had dreams of kissing the boy before. He runs his finger over the words, “warm” and “tears”, and his chest clenches. According to what he wrote in the past, sometimes there’d be laughing in the dreams with kisses, but other times, there’d be crying, like his recent dream.

“Why?” He whispers to himself, feeling frustrated again.

Once again, Taehyun feels lost and empty, the hole in his heart where the boy should be, growing more and more apparent. He clutches the journal to his chest with trembling hands.

“Why does it hurt so much?” He cries to himself silently.

“Wow, you’re a mess.”

“Thanks. I know.” Beomgyu sighs as he lets the pink-haired boy in.

“I brought instant ramen. Peace offering?” Yeonjun chuckles.

“You know I won’t say no to free food.” Beomgyu says before heading to the bathroom to wash his face.

“Here.” Yeonjun passes over the ice pack automatically as Beomgyu returns to the kitchen.

“Thanks.” Beomgyu murmurs, pressing the ice pack to his eyes to reduce the swelling.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Yeonjun asks as he’s cooking the ramen.

“Food first.”

“Okay.”

Once the ramen is finished, they take the pot to Beomgyu’s living room table, eating from it with their chopsticks and over their plates as they sit on the floor in silence. They almost always eat in silence. It’s something they’d established since their friendship in high school, both preferring to enjoy their food first before conversing.

“I kissed him.”

Yeonjun eyes widen in surprise, although Beomgyu keeps his head down, playing with his fingers nervously.

 _‘Ah,_ ’ Yeonjun realises. _‘No wonder he looked like a mess this morning.’_

“And how do you feel about it?” Yeonjun asks calmly.

“I… I don’t know.” Beomgyu sighs. “It was… amazing. I abandoned everything rational in my mind and I just… did it. I… I missed it so much.”

Beomgyu tries not to cry. He’d done enough crying the previous night and even as he woke up and was hit with the memory suddenly.

“Of course you did. You’ve been… deprived for the past year.” Yeonjun chuckles.

“It was… real, and warm, and it felt so good to experience it again. Not just as a distant memory.” Beomgyu admits. “God, I’m so tempted to do it again, it’s crazy. He won’t even remember it.”

Beomgyu chuckles bitterly, amusing himself with the thought of kissing Taehyun again. He’d already cried himself to sleep, remembering every kiss with Taehyun and wishing he could indulge in warm cuddles and soft kisses again like before.

“So why don’t you?” Yeonjun asks objectively. 

“I can’t. I can’t take advantage of him like that.” Beomgyu clenches his fists, bringing himself back to reality. “I could never do that to him.”

“Hey. I’m glad that you’re aware of it.” Yeonjun smiles. “I know it’s not easy to hold yourself back, especially when he’s within your grasp again.”

Beomgyu gives him a smile, grateful that Yeonjun understands him.

“Can I… Can I ask how he reacted?” Yeonjun asks, wondering if he’d crossed the line.

“He kissed me back.” Beomgyu sighs and bites his lip, hating how he felt so pleasantly surprised and tempted to keep going.

“Beom-“

“It was a mistake.” Beomgyu hisses. “I backed away immediately, and I saw the confusion on his face, and I knew I had to leave. I was so scared.”

“Beom, you never know. Maybe it triggered a memory for Taehyun.”

“But I don’t want that.” Beomgyu looks up, the regret evident in his eyes. “What if… What if it was something bad? What if it’ll only damage his brain more?”

“But what if it wasn’t? Maybe it’ll help him remember, if you spend more time with him.” Yeonjun suggests, keeping his voice soft and calm.

“There’s no guarantee, Jun.” Beomgyu says. “I… I’ve looked up cases like ours. Ones where the soulmate doesn’t remember the other. And the damage is always irreversible… never to remember their soulmate.”

“You don’t know that Taehyun is like them, Beom. He could be different. Taehyun already knows you’re out there. That’s something different.” Yeonjun tries to encourage him. 

“It doesn’t matter. He shouldn’t remember me anyway.”

Yeonjun takes a deep breath, reminding himself not to get into another heated argument with Beomgyu, like Soobin had advised against.

_“Junnie, he’s just hurting. You have to remember that. He doesn’t think he’s worthy.”_

“Well… What are you going to do? You can’t run away from him forever, Beom.” Yeonjun says softly.

“I don’t know.” Beomgyu sighs. “I just… I don’t want to hurt him.”

“I understand.”

Beomgyu looks up, pleasantly surprised. He didn’t have the energy to fight with him, but he was expecting Yeonjun to scold him as always, arguing about how Beomgyu could change things and learn from his mistakes.

“Has Soobin-hyung been rubbing off on you, or what?” He laughs.

“I won’t deny that.” Yeonjun chuckles. “Beom, I just want you to be okay. Ever since the accident, that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. And don’t even try to fight me on this… but you have to face the fact that you won’t be okay without Taehyun.”

“I’ve accepted that fact, hyung… but don’t you know…” Beomgyu looks out the window with a poignant gaze. “I don’t care about myself. I just want _him_ to be happy. Even at the cost of my own feelings.

He’s my soulmate. I might not be his, but it’s my job to make sure he’s happy, even when it’s not with me.

I don’t have to be okay, as long as he is.”

But the thing is, Choi Yeonjun doesn’t agree. Ever since the accident, Yeonjun has been the bridge between Taehyun and Beomgyu, and the only mutual connection between them ever since Beomgyu had decided he wouldn’t visit home. Yeonjun is the one who is always torn, always watching his two best friends living unhappy and unsatisfying lives.

He’d noticed how Beomgyu had warmed up to his soulmate, Soobin, so easily, and in some ways, he felt that Beomgyu trusted Soobin more than him, whenever Soobin would tell him about their hang outs and meet-ups without him. But Yeonjun can’t blame Soobin for being so caring and lovable, since it’s one of his favourite characteristics about his soulmate.

He tries to understand Beomgyu, and to validate his feelings, like Soobin had advised him to do, but it’s hard for Yeonjun when he feels so helpless. Yeonjun knows that he has a role, and that he can help bring them together, hence why he gets so easily frustrated at Beomgyu’s stubborn nature.

He never wants to hurt Beomgyu and get into fights with him, but at the same time, he doesn’t want Beomgyu to give up so easily. Especially not now, when Taehyun is in the same university as him. When there’s more of a chance than ever for Taehyun to remember.

Yeonjun is fulfilling his promise to Beomgyu, but to do that, he needs Beomgyu to play his part as well. It’s from growing up with them since he’d met Beomgyu in his second year of high school (and therefore Taehyun while he was in his third year of middle school) and from witnessing firsthand their relationship that Yeonjun is determined to unite them again.

Yeonjun had never seen a relationship between soulmates like theirs. For starters, it was uncommon for soulmates to have an established relationship by high school. But for them, being childhood friends, it was a no-brainer for them. They promised each other forever, and it was the kind of relationship that made everyone including Yeonjun jealous, wanting to meet their soulmate faster. But after watching them and spending time with them, Yeonjun started to believe that their relationship was unique; it was something pure and selfless that no one else could achieve. It wasn’t even that their relationship was ‘loud’ as such, in fact, they were more subtle than some people realised, always loving with the small actions and hushed words. But even after a day of watching them, it was as if they lived in a world of their own that even made the universe jealous.

Which is why it breaks Yeonjun’s heart every time he sees either of the two hurting because of each other. For Taehyun, being frustrated about his unknown soulmate, and for Beomgyu, being willing to sacrifice himself for Taehyun’s happiness.

 _“Binnie, I just want them both to be happy. To find each other again._ ” Yeonjun frowned as he cuddled Soobin the night he and Beomgyu had fought. _“And it’s my job and I don’t know what to do because Beomgyu is so stubborn and-“_

 _“Hey, slow down._ ” Soobin chuckled, threading his hands through Yeonjun’s hair. _“It’s not your job. You’re shouldering too much responsibility.”_

 _“But I’m their best friend. I’m the only one who’s known both of them for the past five years now. Isn’t it my duty to get them back together?_ ” Yeonjun asked, looking up at Soobin with concern.

 _“I didn’t say you can’t help them, Junnie. But nothing is your fault. Ultimately, this is something that they need to work out together, perhaps more so on Beomgyu’s side,_ ” Soobin huffed a laugh. _“but they’ll get there eventually.”_

_“How do you know?”_

_“I guess I have hope. You said it yourself, right? That their relationship was unique?”_

Yeonjun nodded.

 _“Then I can firmly say that their soulbond is too strong to be broken. What they have… can’t be forgotten forever. It can’t be thrown away like nothing._ ” Soobin smiled. _“You just have to make sure that you’re there for them, even if it’s hard sometimes.”_

 _“Mmm… I understand. Thank you, Binnie. What would I ever do without you, babe?_ ” Yeonjun giggled and kissed Soobin gently on the lips.

 _“You’d be a terrible friend to Beomgyu, a loner, probably fail your classes…_ ” Soobin giggled.

 _“Hey, I’m not_ that _bad!_ ” Yeonjun pouted, only for it to be kissed away by Soobin.

 _“What can I say, hyung? We complete each other._ ” Soobin smiled fondly at him, cupping his cheek.

 _“That we do. And I’m so glad that it’s you._ ” Yeonjun returned to kissing him, warmth growing within his soul.

He often thinks back on his years without his soulmate, and how he’d look at his two friends and constantly find himself yearning for the other half of his soul. Waiting and waiting, day by day, for the one who would complete him. He remembers how he spent hours wondering what his soulmate would be like, and more importantly, what their relationship would be like. He wondered if it’d ever be as perfect as Beomgyu and Taehyun’s.

And now, five years later, he can firmly say that he and Soobin are different to them, but that his relationship is perfect and that he is right where he needs to be, with Soobin as his home. In the end, each soulmate is different, each pair a unique set, and yet who complete each other when no one else in the world can. Together, they are two pieces united to create one, complete piece.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry this chapter is so long, it honestly wasn't going to be this long until i added the yeonbin part at the end lol >< i said i would include side ships more in my fics, so this is me trying to include everyone. next chapter shouldn't be too long, i hope! 
> 
> thank you for reading this. the more i think about this fic, the more i see flaws and push myself to say this is all self-indulgent anyway, and honestly i'm so grateful that you're joining me for this ride, despite the bumps and terrible parts. your comments always encourage me and remind me that there's at least one person who likes this (so far xD). 
> 
> thank you and take care! ♡


	5. ambivalent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _ambivalent (adj.)_ \- having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone
> 
> **warnings:** panic attacks

_‘It’s a beautiful day._ ’ Beomgyu thinks to himself as he watches the cherry blossom petals, lifted into the air in a flurry as the trees sway gently to the rhythm of the wind. 

As much as he enjoys the sight of barren cherry blossom trees and appreciating them for their hidden beauty, it’s also nice to see them bloom every once in a while. Despite the painful reminder that he’ll never have his moment of renewal in his life like they’re supposed to symbolise, Beomgyu doesn’t allow his heart to grow bitter. As much as he’s welcomed every day with the feeling of dread and the lack of a will to live sometimes, settling deep in his soul, he promised himself he’d try to find happiness in the little things. Because he can’t live _with_ Taehyun, he’ll at least try to live _for_ Taehyun. 

“Gyu?”

Beomgyu whips his head around to face the owner of the voice. There’s only one person who he has ever allowed to use that nickname. 

“Hyunnie?”

Beomgyu stares in disbelief, lips trembling slightly as his heart picks up its pace. There’s a sense of familiarity and recognition in Taehyun’s eyes that’s different to the blank stares of confusion he’d gotten so used to. 

“Gyu… I remembered.” Taehyun says. 

“Really? You… remembered us? Who I am?” Beomgyu walks closer, wanting to engulf him in a hug. 

“Of course I remember. I remember how you almost killed me.” 

Taehyun’s voice goes ice cold and Beomgyu’s heart drops. Every word pierces him like daggers, uncomfortably lodging themselves within the confines of his ribcage. 

“Hyunnie… I-I’m so sorry. I regret everything. Please-” 

“I could have died, hyung!” He shouts, glaring at Beomgyu with hatred in his eyes. “It was all your fault. You’re the _worst_ soulmate.” 

Beomgyu’s words get stuck in his throat as his legs give out and the words coming out of Taehyun’s sweet lips start to replay like a broken record in his brain. And the words never stop coming. 

“You never cared about me! You never asked me what _I_ wanted to do!” 

“I’m sorry-” Beomgyu chokes out a sob, his chest clenching painfully. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please, stop-” 

“It’s _your_ fault that we’ll never be complete again.” 

Beomgyu stops breathing and the voices get louder and louder (“It’s all your fault.” “Never be complete.” “Never cared.”) and he shuts his eyes, stinging with tears, as he curls in on himself, willing everything to stop. 

Beomgyu wakes up in cold sweat, his heart pounding so loud he can _hear_ it, and his cheeks wet with liquid. His whole body shakes and wracks with sobs as he rocks himself back and forth. 

_‘This is it. This is what’s going to happen. This is why he shouldn’t-_ ’ Beomgyu tells himself, his nightmare confirming his greatest fear, surfacing from the deep darkness where he’d subconsciously tried to keep it hidden. 

This whole time, he’d been in denial, and the fresh hope from meeting Taehyun again glowed in his heart.

But it was a mistake. 

To Beomgyu, the nightmare proves that his greatest fear has a very high chance of playing out, and that it’s not just something that hope could so easily snuff out. Hope has always been a fickle thing for Beomgyu. 

Beomgyu tries to even out his breathing, but everything hurts and he can still hear the voices, almost screaming at him from the remnants of his nightmare. Oh, how Beomgyu wishes that he could wake up from his dreams in a hazy state, the memory of the dream slipping away. 

He wishes that it were up to him whether to chase the dream or not. 

He wishes that he could wake up, and simply let the dream go, to fade away and to be forgotten, lost forever and remembered in fragments. 

And yet, he remembers most of his dreams and nightmares clearly, as if they’d really happened, because of course, the soulbond curses him, even upon his first conscious second of the day. When he says Kang Taehyun is haunting his life, he means it quite literally. 

Beomgyu doesn’t have a choice. As much as he wishes to forget, he can’t. 

And it’s so real, and sometimes he wishes the dreams would come true, but reality says otherwise. The reality is that Taehyun could very well reject him, even if he remembered everything. 

He’s drowning in his thoughts until his favourite angelic voice breaks through the darkness like the morning sunlight streaming through his window. His phone buzzes under his pillow as he slowly opens his eyes, blurry with tears. 

Who knew that setting Taehyun’s singing as his alarm would actually serve to be useful for once?

Honestly, he keeps it because he still wants to pretend. He wants to pretend that just like before, his lovely soulmate sometimes wakes him up by singing to him. Beomgyu has always loved Taehyun’s voice, whether it was to fall asleep to or to wake up to, always filling the crevices of Beomgyu’s brain and able to soothe his soul within seconds. 

He has a bit of a mixed relationship with the recordings of Taehyun’s singing. Sometimes, he’ll listen to them because he knows they calm him down, but other times, they only bring Beomgyu pain, and his hands tremble as he contemplates deleting them (even though they’d still remain in his memory). It’s different, hearing them physically and hearing them in his dreams. There’s a distinction that Beomgyu can never seem to explain. Perhaps it’s just more real when he’s lying down, earphones in, listening to them on repeat until he’s crying and he can’t take it anymore. 

He takes more deep breaths, allowing the notes that he’s memorised to slowly wash over him and recover his darkened heart. He looks over to his bedside table and runs a hand over the rough scrapbook, smiling at it fondly. He takes it and opens it, welcomed by a random page where he and Taehyun are smiling in several polaroids and photos together, taken when Beomgyu had just entered high school. 

As he smooths his hand over the precious photos and memories, he smiles fondly, remembering each moment, and remembering the Taehyun who loved him with all his heart. As he flicks through each page, he feels his soul yearning for its other half again. This time at least, it’s less painful, and more of a longing for the warmth that they’d experienced back then. 

More often than not, it’s the good memories that keep Beomgyu going. Yes, he can definitely say that he’s had several breakdowns and that his mental health has suffered significantly from everything that has happened, but the thing about his memories is that they’re a double-edged sword. They hurt him (he’s lost count of the tears he’s shed over them), but they also serve as a weapon against his demons, and as the one thing that helps him fight through each day. 

The beauty of his memories is that he can remember the times when he was happy with Taehyun and laughing his hardest and loving the most, and if he’s lucky, they remind him that he _did_ live a life of love and joy, rather than reminding him of the life he’ll never get to experience again. They remind him of his beautiful Taehyun, and they remind him that he’s living to see Taehyun be happy. To make sure that he is. Yes, he’d entrusted the responsibility to Yeonjun, but he can always watch from afar. 

Beomgyu thinks that his memories are like a message in a bottle. No matter how many times he wishes he could forget and just drop them all to sink to the deep and abandoned parts of his brain, they always come rushing back. They always find their way back to Beomgyu, washing up on his shore, a constant reminder that he _cannot_ get rid of Kang Taehyun’s presence in his life, whether it be in the past, present, or future. There are times where he’s thankful, and where, like now, he appreciates the memories and reflects on his happiness, sitting at his shore to read them like letters. And there are other times where he hates them with all his heart, throwing them back into the sea and pushing them down as far as his conscious mind will allow it. 

In short, Choi Beomgyu’s life is very complicated. It’s a mix of emotions that even he cannot control. It’s this constant war, the push and pull of his heart, that leaves Beomgyu confused and in distress about what to do next. 

Perhaps the nightmare has already tipped the delicate balance of his conscience. 

* * *

In Taehyun’s dream, it’s warm. There’s someone beside him, hugging him with a lazy arm draped over Taehyun’s stomach. 

The boy.

He stirs, snoring softly and breathing steadily in his slumber.

It feels familiar.

The rain falls softly outside, the gentle sound of rushing water out their window. The boy stirs again and nuzzles Taehyun’s neck, causing him to be confused. The boy breathes in, tickling Taehyun’s skin and smiles. 

“Hyunnie, stay with me.” He mumbles, still half-asleep. 

Taehyun doesn’t say anything back, simply staring at the boy and his features. He puts his hand over the boy’s on his stomach, and rubs the skin gently. 

“I miss you.” The boy whispers.

“I… I do too.” For some reason, Taehyun holds back burning tears.

“I love you.” The boy says as he starts crying and Taehyun can only watch the small beads of salty tears trail down his face slowly. 

“I-”

Taehyun wakes up and the lack of warmth is the first thing that hits him. There is no weight by his side, no soft giggles or husky morning greetings or silent tears.

There is no hand holding him close.

He blinks and more tears run like a waterfall.

He felt so warm. So at home. And yet, now he just feels empty, and there’s a gaping hole in his chest. It squeezes painfully as he turns to the empty place beside him on the bed and he cries. 

_'Why?’_

He quickly gets his journal again, quickly scribbling down the words. He chases after the dream, desperately trying to hold onto the threads of his dream that are escaping his grasp. But soon, it disappears into a blur and the loss and grief washes over him again. Back to square one. 

He just wishes he could remember. He wishes he could wake up and remember what the boy looked like and sounded like. 

If he could remember, Taehyun would stay awake until he’d find the boy, no matter how tired he’d get. 

He finds it hard to explain to others, but simply put, his life doesn’t feel right without his soulmate. Every now and then, Taehyun is convinced that his connection with his soulmate is stronger than any other. There’s no other explanation as to why he dreams of him and searches so desperately for him, as if his life depends on it. 

Although, the weird thing is that recently, Taehyun’s dreams have grown more and more frequent, occurring twice, sometimes thrice a week. It’s been a month or so since he’d entered university, and yet there are still no signs of his soulmate, the boy he’s been dreaming of. 

It’s the uncertainty that frustrates Taehyun. The feeling of never knowing _when_ he’ll meet his soulmate. He feels like he’s so close, like his soulmate is within his grasp if he just tries a bit harder, and yet he also feels more distant than ever, never making any progress. 

He ponders the possibility that he’s already met them… but quickly pushes it away. He’d remember if he made the soulbond with someone, since it’s a special connection. When you meet your soulmate, the first time you touch is supposed to trigger the soulbond. Taehyun’s only ever read about it, but there are different ways to describe it, and different experiences. Some people say that the touch burns like fire, and others say that it’s like feeling a warmth in your heart and simply _knowing_ that the other is your soulmate. 

Taehyun longs for this feeling more times than not, and it aches to keep longing for something, day by day, in the uncertain future. It hurts when he meets someone new, and the hope glows in his heart, only to be snuffed out once there’s no special connection. 

For some reason, he’s reminded of the time when Yeonjun had visited during one weekend. People at school would ask why he rejected perfectly nice girls, insisting that he could date people who weren’t his soulmate, but for Taehyun, it felt wrong. It felt like he’d be betraying his soulmate, the person specifically paired with him for life. 

“Hyung, when will I meet my soulmate?” He asked one time, when they were sitting on the swing set at the park. 

To this day, Taehyun doesn’t understand the pained look that Yeonjun had shown before forcing a smile and replying, “Some day, Tae. Some day.” 

And to this day, he doesn’t understand how he can miss his soulmate that he’s never even met before. It’s not uncommon for him to feel a sense of loss, but when he _misses_ his soulmate, it’s like… his soul is crying out and mourning memories that Taehyun doesn’t have access to. Sometimes, it feels like there’s a part of his brain that is blocked, secured with a lock that he doesn’t have the key to. None of the doctors ever seemed to understand this feeling, and they’d credited it to another after-effect of the accident. They said it would go away with time, but Taehyun still feels it. 

If anything, these days he misses his soulmate _more_. There’s an unexplainable yearning that only increasingly convinces him of the fact that he’s close to his soulmate. He wonders if it’s just him, or if his soulmate is experiencing the same things. 

_‘Time will tell._ ’ He reminds himself. 

He can only wait and be patient, no matter how long it takes. 

* * *

Beomgyu thinks that it’d be easier to solidify his decision to leave Taehyun if the younger hadn’t been finding his way into his everyday life, unintentionally hurting him more and more. If he didn’t have to see Taehyun almost every day and experience what it’s like to be friends with him, it’d be easier for Beomgyu to let go. 

But if there’s anything Beomgyu is sure of, it’s that he’s delaying the inevitable. One of these days, he’ll have to leave Taehyun for sure. To cut himself out of Taehyun’s life for good. Beomgyu believes his dreams and nightmares can be precognitive sometimes, and this nightmare is the biggest sign Beomgyu has ever received so far. 

He keeps telling himself “some day”, but he sees Taehyun’s smile and he selfishly pushes the thought away, allowing himself to enjoy Taehyun once more. For Beomgyu, it’s a constant battle between his selfishness and his selflessness. 

Something that he’ll come to realise though, is that just like he’s been able to help Taehyun in his times of need, so has Taehyun. There will be times where Beomgyu needs Taehyun more than anyone else. 

A week later, Beomgyu has a panic attack that even Yeonjun can’t bring him back from. 

Beomgyu and Yeonjun are in the studio, recording a song for one of Beomgyu’s assignments. He often asked for Yeonjun to sing for him, knowing how talented the boy was and now at a level where he knows what styles of music work well with his voice. 

When he tells Yeonjun to find a sample track that he likes, he doesn’t expect to hear a track he thought he’d stored away more than a year ago. 

“Not that one-” Beomgyu’s head whips back towards the laptop and his breath hitches. 

“Why not? It sounds amazing!” Yeonjun exclaims, still facing the laptop. 

“You can’t!” Beomgyu says, rushing over to shut his laptop. 

“Beom?” 

The thing about Beomgyu’s panic attacks is that they’re either triggered by something, or they can occur out of nowhere. This time, it’s one of the songs that he and Taehyun had been working on together. He’d transferred them all to his hard drive to lock away and forget about (even though he never really could), but apparently, he’d missed this one. 

Beomgyu sinks to the ground, trying to breathe normally and to distract his mind. But this time, it’s no use, and all he can hear is the song that he and Taehyun never managed to finish (along with all the other ones), all because of what he did. It doesn’t take much for Beomgyu’s brain to go into overdrive when it comes to his overthinking. 

“I-It’s all my fault… It’s all my fault…” Beomgyu mumbles over and over, curling himself into a ball on the grounds as he cries into his hands. 

“Beom! Beomgyu! It’s not your fault!” Yeonjun holds him close. “Snap out of it!” 

“I… I ruined him. I… It was all my fault. If only…” Beomgyu chokes, breathing shakily as he lets out a wrangled sob. 

“Beom, please, I need you to breathe. Come on, do it with me.” Yeonjun says, cupping his cheeks. 

“I should have never said those things… Otherwise he’d be okay. He’d remember me-” Beomgyu only continues sobbing, even as Yeonjun holds him. 

Yeonjun tries everything. He tries caressing his hands and stroking his back to comfort him, but nothing seems to work. He gets Beomgyu some water, although it’s refused in his distress. His breathing somewhat regulates, but other than that, he’s an absolute mess, still mumbling to himself and clenching his shaking fists over his ears. 

“Fuck this, I’m calling him.” 

“Hyung? What’s up?” Taehyun asks. 

“I need you to come to studio 2A on the second floor. Right now.” Yeonjun says hurriedly.

Taehyun hears crying in the background and makes his way towards the music building briskly while talking to Yeonjun.

“Hyung, are you okay? Do I hear crying?” Taehyun asks, slightly panicked. 

“It’s my friend. I need you to help comfort him. Please, you’re the only one who can.” 

“O-Okay.” Taehyun complies despite still being confused. 

Five minutes later, he finds himself at the door of the studio and he opens it hesitantly. 

“Yeonjun-hyung, I’m here.” 

“Good. I need you to comfort my friend. He won’t listen to me.” Yeonjun says as he stands up and reveals a black-haired boy curled up on the floor, crying. 

“Oh my goodness, is he okay? Hey, are you okay?” Taehyun immediately rushes over to the boy. 

Beomgyu hears the familiar voice and feels a warm hand on his back. He snaps his head up. 

“H-Hyunnie? Oh god, it’s Taehyun. I-It’s really you, isn’t it?” Beomgyu immediately jumps into his arms, wrapping his arms around Taehyun’s neck and getting a whiff of his comforting scent. “I-I’m so sorry.” 

Taehyun is caught by surprise by the sobbing boy, and he holds the boy close, rubbing soothing circles on the boy’s back. 

“H-How did you know my name…?” Taehyun asks.

“I’m so so sorry. I’m sorry.” Beomgyu cries more.

“I-It’s okay.” Taehyun whispers, holding the shaking boy.

Beomgyu continues crying and hiccuping as he clutches onto Taehyun. The boy is shaking so badly that Taehyun doesn’t know how to help him. Yeonjun had said that he was the only one who could comfort him… but how was he supposed to do that?

He doesn’t know what compels him, but he starts singing. He sings a gentle tune, hoping to calm the boy down a little. 

It works, as Taehyun feels Beomgyu’s breathing ease and his body stops trembling. Beomgyu continues holding onto him, nuzzling his neck and sniffling. Taehyun isn’t sure how much time passes, but the boy never loosens his hold onto him, as if clinging to him like a lifeline. 

“A-Are you better now?” Taehyun asks shyly, a bit embarrassed by the sudden contact. 

“I’m sorry. I just really missed you and you won’t remember this, but… it’s been so hard without you, baby.” Beomgyu cups his cheek and kisses his forehead. 

He wouldn’t dare to steal a kiss from Taehyun, for fear of being unable to control himself. Ever since he kissed Taehyun that one night a little over a month ago, he’s been more tempted to hold Taehyun and to kiss him, craving the addicting warmth he loves so much. He misses him so much, because even when he can remember every distinct kiss and how they felt and which one was his favourite (it was their second one, because their first was too awkward, and then they came together again for a second one that was magical), it’s different to experiencing the real thing all over again. He misses how Taehyun was always so secretly affectionate and clingy (as opposed to mature and collected, like everyone said) and he misses Taehyun’s soft and warm touch, and how their hands always slotted together so perfectly.

But he won’t let himself take advantage of Taehyun like that. He can’t. He’d be hurting Taehyun’s feelings even more, even if he has no recollection of it. 

“I… I don’t understand.” Taehyun says shakily as he pulls away from Beomgyu. 

Beomgyu pulls away and mentally curses himself for getting too close and scaring Taehyun. 

“S-Sorry.” Beomgyu stutters. “Thank you for comforting me. I really needed you.”

Beomgyu gets up, wipes his tears, and gathers his things. A note from Yeonjun reads,

_Had to go to work. Hope you’re better. Call me later._

He pockets the note, reminding himself to thank Yeonjun for bringing Taehyun, and lifts his bag onto his shoulder. 

“I know you’re confused, but don’t worry. You won’t remember, my love.” Beomgyu starts to cry again. 

He walks over to Taehyun and leans down to kiss him on the forehead and stroke his cheek once more.

“I love you. No matter what.” Beomgyu says before moving away again. 

“W-Wait! I don’t… What-” Taehyun starts to tear up for some reason. 

“It’ll be okay. I promise. I’m sorry.” Beomgyu runs away again, tears streaming down his face as he leaves Taehyun alone. 

Taehyun makes no move to chase after him, feeling that there would be no point. 

_‘What did he mean? That I “won’t remember anyway”?'_ Taehyun wonders to himself.

He tries to call Yeonjun, but the other doesn’t pick up. Yeonjun knows that Taehyun will only forget, so there’s no point anyway. 

Taehyun cries himself to sleep, confused by the mysterious boy who says he loves him. The boy knew him. But how? 

  
  


In his sleep, the boy from his dreams takes his hands and kisses them. 

“I miss you.”

Taehyun wakes up with a headache and no memory of the previous night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly there are a lot of things in this chapter that don't make sense/that sound weird in terms of what happens logically, but yeah,,,,,,,, just go with it TvT the last scene is one that i'd pre-written before starting this fic, so i apologise if it sounds a bit out of place/awkward ><
> 
> i'm excited for the next chapter so i hope you enjoy it!
> 
> please vote for TXT on SMA!!! here's a [guide](https://twitter.com/soobivert/status/1348653802946138112?s=20)!!


	6. saudade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _saudade (n.)_ \- a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost; "the love that remains"
> 
>  **warnings:** partying, alcohol consumption, mention of cancer, leukemia, minor character death.  
> the warnings about cancer are towards the end, but please proceed with caution if those topics upset you or make you feel uncomfortable. please don't force yourself to read anything you don't want to. 
> 
> apologies in advance for any medical inaccuracies or inaccuracies with alcohol and its effects.

The weeks go by and struggling through university and work and seeing Taehyun almost every day doesn’t get any easier. (Not that Beomgyu expected it to.) For the time being, he’s actually grateful that Taehyun is still forgetting him, in some weird, twisted way. The nightmare still remains vividly in his memory, despite another month having passed. Each day that Taehyun forgets is another day that Beomgyu lets out a sigh of relief. 

It feels like walking on a tightrope, balancing between keeping Taehyun happy and the risk of falling and causing his trauma to come back. It’s a fine line that Beomgyu isn’t sure how much longer he’s allowed to walk on. He’s not sure when the day will come where Taehyun admits he hates him and Beomgyu’s world comes crashing down and he’ll be regretting it all over again. He doesn’t want that day to come, but each interaction with Taehyun tempts him and tells him that it’ll be okay. Taehyun won’t remember. He can’t. 

And so, he holds onto the hope that Taehyun won’t remember him. 

“That reminds me, are you gonna go to Jeongin’s party?” Yeonjun asks one afternoon while Beomgyu’s on his break. 

Beomgyu nods and takes a sip from his iced Americano. 

“He invited me two weeks ago, I think?” Beomgyu recalls. “I only have one exam and I’m already on track for my study notes.” 

“Meanwhile… what about you, Yeonjun-ssi?” Soobin smirks, turning to Yeonjun. 

Yeonjun visibly gulps. He’d never been _amazing_ at studying, nor had he ever found motivation to study early, let alone at all. He hates exams the most, and all the pressures that come with it. 

“I-I’m getting there…” Yeonjun mumbles. 

“Which means you haven’t started.” Soobin sighs.

“Jun never studies until the night before.” Beomgyu snickers. 

“Shut up! I’m not _that_ bad!” 

“That’s only because Soobin-hyung forces you to study.” Beomgyu laughs. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Yeonjun pouts. 

“Anyway, we’d better get you started, otherwise you can forget about going to the party.” Soobin says, caressing Yeonjun’s hand. 

Beomgyu tries his hardest not to be bitter, but sometimes he can’t help but be jealous of the two. A year and a half ago, when he was studying for his final exams, Taehyun was the one who was always by his side, cheering him on, cuddling him during breaks, rewarding him with kisses, and the list goes on. Now, Beomgyu only ever studies with music to accompany him, the dead air in his apartment covering him like a chilled blanket. 

He’d gotten so used to studying alone that he wonders what it’d be like to study with Taehyun now. More memories come flooding back, full of laughter and Beomgyu complaining and forgotten books in favour of cuddles and kisses, and Beomgyu finds himself sighing again. 

“ _He’ll_ be there.” Yeonjun says, cutting through his flashback. 

“Who?” 

“Taehyun. It’ll be his and Kai’s first party, I believe.” Yeonjun purses his lips. 

“Great. All the more reason to hide, then.” Beomgyu chuckles bitterly. 

“Beomgyu…” Yeonjun frowns, knowing Beomgyu’s habits when it comes to parties. “You can still have a great time with Taehyun-”

“I don’t want to risk anything.” Beomgyu stands up abruptly. “It’d be too tempting, hyung.” 

He sighs, remembering the kiss he pushed onto Taehyun. 

He wasn’t even drunk back then. 

If Taehyun is honest, he doesn’t know what to expect from his first university party. All he knows from the movies and from what he’s heard are that they’re loud, people dance, basically everyone drinks alcohol, and to never go into a room without knocking first. Oh, also the fact that it isn’t uncommon for people to meet their soulmates at parties. So maybe Taehyun’s a _little_ excited. Just a little. 

There were a few at the start of the semester, but Taehyun had wanted to settle in first without any troubles or without getting himself into too much. Kai thankfully shared his sentiment and agreed when he suggested a movie night in their dorm instead. This time, Kai and Taehyun made sure to clear up their schedules so they could enjoy the night stress-free, despite Yeonjun telling them they didn’t need to. 

_“It’s your first semester! Don’t stress about it!” Yeonjun laughed._

_“That’s terrible, Junnie. Set up good habits first,_ then _you can relax later.” Soobin sighed._

“Do you think I’ll meet my soulmate, Kai?” Taehyun asks, the thrill of hope and excitement clear in his voice. 

“Uhh… Yeah. Maybe. You never know, Taehyunnie.” Kai chuckles nervously. 

As soon as they arrive, they make their way to find Yeonjun and Soobin, who are (according to the group chat) standing in a corner in the living room. The house itself is quite large, being a two-storey house with a backyard large enough to fit a pool and lots of floor space. Jeongin’s parents are away on a business trip, but they’re surprisingly accepting of his tendency to host parties, making him one of the main hosts in their university. Kai and Taehyun both start easy, taking a cider to drink each. 

“Ciders? Cute.” Yeonjun chuckles, sipping from his can of beer. 

“Don’t want them to get _too_ drunk at their first party.” Soobin comments. “Just have a few drinks until you’re tipsy, dance, mingle, don’t kiss strangers, and you’ll have a great time. Those are my rules for a party.” 

“We’re not kids, geez.” Kai pouts. 

“They’re just looking out for us, Kai.” Taehyun smiles. “We’ll keep it in mind, hyung.” 

Taehyun’s first impression is that there are lots of people, with both recognisable and unrecognisable faces, either from popular groups or even people from his course. There’s a mini dance floor in one of the other living rooms, and several different games like beer pong and a game of spin the bottle in another room. Taehyun would much rather not be involved in those kinds of games, though. 

Most of Taehyun’s night is spent chatting with his three friends, snacking on whatever bowls and plates of finger food he can find, and occasionally bumping into people from his classes. Yeonjun and Soobin retreat to the dance floor at some point, and Taehyun finds himself wishing he had someone to dance with, even if they were terrible at it. If he’s thinking about his soulmate, he doesn’t admit it to himself. 

Eventually, he gets sick of being inside and being surrounded by so much noise, so he heads upstairs. Ideally, he’d go to the backyard, but it’s almost just as filled with people as it is inside. He doesn’t dare go inside any of the rooms (as one of his golden rules), and instead finds himself intrigued by an opening at the end of the hallway. Upon closer inspection, the doors to the balcony are open, and as he walks out onto it, there’s a boy sitting in between the rails with his legs swinging off the edge. 

He turns his head, and Taehyun is met with pretty eyes, fluffy brown hair, and a ridiculously beautiful face in general. 

“Oh… hi.” The boy says. “Sorry, I can go if you need to be alone.” 

“Oh, no, that’s okay.” Taehyun says nervously. “Um… could I join you?” 

“Sure.” The boy purses his lips. “I wouldn’t mind the company.” 

Taehyun goes over to sit next to the boy, dangling his own legs over the edge. He sets his (second) cider aside, noticing one empty bottle of vodka, a second in the boy’s hand, and a third unopened one. 

“I’m Taehyun. First-year psych student. How about you?” Taehyun smiles. 

“Beomgyu. Second-year of music.” Beomgyu says, taking a swig. 

“Music? That’s so cool! What do you play?” 

“Guitar and vocals.” 

“Nice. I’d love to hear it one day.” Taehyun giggles. “I assume you’re not one for parties?” 

Beomgyu chuckles, “Hate ‘em. Just here for free alcohol these days.” 

Beomgyu tastes the bitterness of his words as they leave his mouth, reminiscing back to their high school days when he’d actually enjoyed parties. They never ended up going to too many, since their parents didn’t let them, but for the few that they did attend (whether by sneaking out or not), Beomgyu enjoyed them because he was with Taehyun. He’d drag Taehyun along most of the time, drinking their childish juice poppers and soda and singing and dancing to their heart’s content, because everyone else did. Being at parties always made Beomgyu feel free, like he was an adult, and not bound by his parents or anyone else. No matter how many times Taehyun had scolded him or advised against going, he still never denied the fact that he enjoyed himself and spending more time with Beomgyu. He remembers fond nights of playing truth or dare, or the one time they’d accidentally gotten tipsy, or when they’d walk home together under a host of stars, feeling like the world contained nothing but them. Adventures with Taehyun always felt like that. Like freedom and blissful youth and having nothing to rely on but each other. 

Now, parties are always suffocating, watching people paired off with their soulmate or some person they’d just met, full of people who have fun, unlike Beomgyu. Parties are yet another bitter reminder of his past, but he’s not completely lying when he says he comes for the free alcohol. Alcohol numbs his emotions and sometimes his memories, letting him forget for even a night. If he’s lucky that is. There are too many instances where he’d ended up drunk and a sobbing mess for Yeonjun and Soobin to take home, because he remembered everything unintentionally and just… missed Taehyun too much. He tries not to get too drunk, but it’s hard when Taehyun isn’t there to stop him. 

“That’s fair.” Taehyun laughs. “I’m not really sure what I’m doing here either. It’s my first party.” 

“Well, at least you’re living a little. You can’t go without experiencing a party like this at least _once_ in your life.” Beomgyu huffs out a laugh. 

“So… do you always hang outside like those cliché loners who just want to get away from the noise and people making out?” Taehyun giggles, taking another sip. 

“What a bold assumption.” Beomgyu laughs. “But yeah… I guess I am. And I guess that makes you the cliché person who goes outside and meets people like me and becomes friends, am I right?” 

“Sounds about right.” Taehyun nods. “Besides, it’s much nicer out here than suffocating in the crowd.” 

“You can say that again.” Beomgyu smiles, leaning back on his hands to stare up at the dark sky, void of stars. 

Where they’re seated, the balcony is at the front of the house, giving them a nice view of the neighbourhood and no disturbances from the backyard. The breeze is cool on Taehyun’s skin, causing him to shiver slightly. He wasn’t exactly prepared for sitting outside. Without a word, Beomgyu takes off his own fluffy brown jacket and places it over Taehyun’s shoulders. 

“You need it more than I do.” He chuckles.

“Thanks.” Taehyun blushes and puts it on properly, snuggled in Beomgyu’s warmth and the scent of… vanilla? It’s oddly comforting. 

“You’re not gonna drink your third bottle?” Taehyun asks later on in the conversation. 

“Nah. Don’t wanna get too drunk.” Beomgyu bites his lip. 

“Why? Are you an embarrassing drunk?” Taehyun teases. 

“I’m a sad drunk, for your information, which yes, would be quite embarrassing for a first impression. But no, I just… don’t want to make any mistakes tonight.” He smiles, lips trembling slightly. 

“I’d like to see that, though. You being a sad drunk.” Taehyun laughs, and Beomgyu’s heart only aches more. “Hey, let’s play “Never have I ever”! Then we can get to know each other more! Oh, but it’s more fun when you take shots.” 

“That’s fine.” Beomgyu says, opening his bottle and hoping to fate, or whatever is out there, that he won’t get too drunk. 

“Okay, I can start first!” 

“Sure..” Beomgyu smiles, leaning his head against the railing and looking at Taehyun, admiring him in the moonlight. He looks adorably small in his jacket, and it hurts more than he’d like to admit. 

“Hmm…” Taehyun juts out his cheek, a habit that Beomgyu still recognises for when he’s deep in thought. He grins cheekily. “Never have I ever written a song.” 

_‘Oh._ ’ Beomgyu thinks. _‘This hurts more than I thought it would.’_

He takes a swig, instantly reminded of the songs they’d tried to write together. They only ever finished one, laughing until their stomachs hurt, because it sounded so bad. 

“You’re relentless.” Beomgyu laughs. 

“It’s called being smart, hyung.” Taehyun laughs back. 

When it gets to Beomgyu’s turn though, he’s stuck. It’s easier for him to name things that Taehyun has never done, because he doesn’t _remember_ them being done. Then again, he’d be cheating, because he did them all with Taehyun anyway. 

“Never have I ever been to America.” He says, trying not to smirk because he knows Taehyun has. 

“Nice guess. My family and I went once when I was 14.” Taehyun takes a sip. 

_‘I remember, because you’d left me for three weeks and I got so bored without you._ ’ 

As the night goes on, Taehyun can’t help but find Beomgyu both charming and attractive, with his pretty smile and cute laugh. Being with Beomgyu feels so easy, and Taehyun’s never felt so comfortable with a stranger before. Hence why he also can’t help but wonder whether Beomgyu is his soulmate. As he learns more and more about Beomgyu, about why he’s pursuing music and even the small things like why he hates bugs, he feels the hope blossoming in his heart. This feels different. This feels like there could be something genuine. Like a soulbond. It feels like if Beomgyu isn’t his soulmate, there’s no other option. Or is he falling too fast, too desperate to find his soulmate and partner for life? Are his hopes and dreams stopping him from seeing Beomgyu as anything _other_ than a potential soulmate?

On the other hand, Beomgyu finds himself admiring Taehyun more and more, probably staring at him a little too much for a ‘stranger’ he’d just met. But Taehyun looks absolutely stunning in the moonlight, eyes sparkling like Beomgyu has always loved, and his laugh resonating in Beomgyu’s heart like the song he’s missed even though it’s embedded in his brain. He finds himself falling harder for Taehyun, if it’s even possible, because Taehyun has been the owner of his heart since forever. 

It reminds him of when they used to play truth or dare, when things were okay, and for a long time, Beomgyu convinces himself that it is. He’s just having fun with his soulmate and enjoying the night and the atmosphere that contains only their voices and laughter. For a night, he can bask in the illusion that nothing had ever gone wrong. 

But somewhere along the way and by the time he’s halfway through his bottle, Beomgyu regrets it. It goes a little like this: 

“Never have I ever cried from a present.” 

_‘But you did, when I wrote you a song for the first time. You couldn’t stop crying and I thought it was because it was bad, but you said it was perfect.’_

“Never have I ever been ice skating.” 

_‘Yes, you have. You were a natural as soon as you stepped onto the ice and I pulled you down with me because I was annoyed.’_

“Never have I ever kissed someone.” 

This one hurts the most.

_‘You have. It was with me. It was a week after we’d started dating because I was too impatient and desperate. You were wearing your red hoodie and my black and white checkered pants because we were watching a movie.’_

Beomgyu doesn’t notice Taehyun’s look of disappointment as he takes a sip, a small “Oh” escaping from his lips. Taehyun hopes that it’s something stupid, like kissing his childhood crush, but little does he know that Beomgyu has only ever kissed _him_. 

It becomes painfully obvious to Beomgyu that Taehyun doesn’t remember that most of his ‘first’s were with Beomgyu. He doesn’t remember that he’s already spent basically half of his life Beomgyu (excluding the previous year), and that they hardly did anything without the other. Beomgyu can remember every single detail, every single word they shared (even when he doesn’t want to), and Taehyun is left with broken memories of his teenage life. 

Beomgyu honestly didn’t think it’d get worse after that. Thankfully, he hasn’t blurted out anything Taehyun isn’t supposed to know, and he hasn’t tried to kiss him, so that’s progress. But he can feel his body growing tired and heavy, and playing this game hasn’t helped him to forget the memories, but instead remember them. 

“Okay, laaast one…” Beomgyu slurs slightly. 

“Hmm… Never have I ever…” Taehyun giggles, a little tipsy. “Met my soulmate.” 

_‘Oh shit._ ’ Beomgyu thinks, vaguely. 

What’s he supposed to do? Lie about it? Take a shot and then describe a fake soulmate? Why is Taehyun even asking about this? What made it come up?

His actions move before his brain as he takes a long swig, feeling the alcohol burn his throat as his mind numbs even more. 

“Oh? You’ve met your soulmate, hyung? That’s soooo lucky!” Taehyun says excitedly. “I wish I could meet mine! Isn’t it so beautiful, creating so many different kinds of memories with someone else?” 

“It’s shit.” Beomgyu says harshly. “There are memories I wish I could forget, but I can’t. It’s not as amazing as you think, Taehyun.” 

“Yeah, but that’s part of it, isn’t it? Making good _and_ bad memories? You can’t avoid pain.” 

“You should give up, Taehyun.” Beomgyu says bluntly, having lost any filter to his words. “You shouldn’t keep waiting for your soulmate.”

“But that’s not fair to them!” Taehyun raises his voice. “It’d feel like I’m betraying them. What if they’re waiting for me too? I’m not gonna leave them for someone else!” 

“It’s not unfair! They’d want you to be happy!” Beomgyu raises his voice back, tears pricking at his eyes. 

“And how the hell would you know?!” Taehyun argues, visibly tense and angry. 

“Because it’s me, you idiot!” 

Beomgyu can’t stop the tears from running down his face any longer, his chest aching as if he couldn’t hold in his emotions that had been bursting to be let out. It’d taken everything within him and all of his emotional energy to keep it in and pretend like everything was okay, when it wasn’t. Not when he’d been reminded of so much pain. 

Taehyun stares at him, speechless. He certainly wasn’t expecting _that_ to come out of Beomgyu’s mouth. 

“W-Wait… How do you know? We only just met. I didn’t feel anything.” Taehyun says shakily, thinking back to when their hands had brushed and the glow of hope in his heart had been snuffed out despite him being so sure Beomgyu was the one. Nothing had happened, causing Taehyun to become disheartened ever since. 

“Just… please… find someone else, Taehyun.” Beomgyu sobs, pressing his palms into his eyes and pulling his legs to his chest. “I just want you to be happy.” 

“I… I don’t understand.” Taehyun stays where he is and makes no move to comfort the boy, his heart racing. “Why… Nothing happened before, when our hands touched. Why are you talking like you know me or something?” 

_‘God, that hurts._ ’ Beomgyu sobs harder, his throat constricting and his hands shaking. 

He can hear the nerves and panic in Taehyun’s voice. 

_‘I really did it again. I made him feel uncomfortable and I’m only confusing him more._ ’ 

Beomgyu forces his legs to move, despite how heavy they feel, and he wipes his tears with desperation, sniffling loudly. 

“Please… just be happy, love.” 

Beomgyu leans down to cup his cheeks tenderly and wipe the tears he didn’t even realise had escaped. He presses a soft and delicate kiss to his forehead, and it feels more familiar than it should. 

_‘Why is my heart beating and why does it hurt so much?’_

But Taehyun doesn’t get any answers, because Beomgyu immediately runs away, rushing down the hallway and back into the crowd of people. 

For some reason, Taehyun can’t stop crying. 

What does it all mean? Beomgyu, who he was so sure was his soulmate, and then who he’d confirmed, _wasn’t,_ had just said that he _was_ Taehyun’s soulmate, and yet told him to find someone else. He didn’t even know Beomgyu before tonight. But why did Beomgyu seem to know him? 

Taehyun clutches his head as it starts to throb. It’s all too much. 

He finds Kai after he’s managed to stop crying, but his swollen eyes and obviously distressed and confused look doesn’t get past Kai. 

“Come on, let’s go home.” Kai says, wrapping an arm around him and guiding him to where Soobin and Yeonjun are, unfortunately in a heated kiss on the couch. “Hey, lovebirds! We need to go home.” 

Luckily, Soobin is less drunk, and in the right state to drive and agrees to leave, unlike Yeonjun, who complains and demands for more kisses. Soobin notices Taehyun’s exhaustion and how he seems somewhat drained, and manages to convince Yeonjun that they need to look after Taehyun first. 

Soobin drops them off at their apartment, Yeonjun fast asleep in the front seat. The whole car ride, Taehyun was cuddled up next to Kai, sniffling and seeking the comfort he’d lost when he was with Beomgyu. Kai knew not to push Taehyun for any explanation, despite having an inkling that it had something to do with Beomgyu, who he remembers had rushed out of the party abruptly. He makes a mental note to text Beomgyu later. 

“You sure you’ll be okay?” Soobin asks, pulling into the carpark. 

“I’ll look after him. I think he just needs some rest.” Kai says softly, holding Taehyun by the waist as the boy continues to rest his head on his shoulder. 

“Okay. Text me later.” Soobin smiles. 

“Will do. Take care driving.” Kai waves them off, then turns to Taehyun. “Come on, Taehyunnie, let’s get you home.” 

With slight difficulty (due to Taehyun being heavy, tipsy, _and_ exhausted), Kai manages to get to their room and places Taehyun on his bed. The boy sniffles, still upset and frustrated from his encounter with Beomgyu. He curls up in his blanket and Kai sees a lonely and lost boy, empty inside. A boy who acts strong and level-headed, and yet who is so weak and vulnerable. 

“Beomgyu-hyung…” Taehyun says softly. “Why…?”

“Sleep, Taehyunnie. You need rest.” Kai says, sitting on his bed and patting Taehyun’s head. 

“Stay?” Taehyun looks up at him with swollen eyes and tear-stained cheeks. 

“Of course.” 

Kai continues running his hands through Taehyun’s hair, something he’d learned would soothe the boy from Beomgyu. He waits until he hears Taehyun’s sobs slowly die out and for his breathing to even, silence returning to the room, before he gets up and closes the door behind him. 

Kai himself is thankful that he hadn’t had much to drink, not liking the taste of alcohol in the first place, since it allowed him to look after Taehyun. He gets out his phone to message Beomgyu, although he’s unsure if the boy is already asleep.

Beomgyu hears the notification from his phone, but decides to ignore it as he’s curled up in his bed, burying his face in a familiar hoodie. It’s one of the few that he’d borrowed from Taehyun and never returned, whether on accident or on purpose, he doesn’t really know. It’s one of the things that reminds him of Taehyun, and yet that brings him more comfort than others. 

He’s tired. He’s so, so tired, and yet his mind won’t shut up. The events of the night replay in his mind like a broken record that he can’t stop. The most dominant feeling is regret. Beomgyu knows that much for sure. He’d convinced himself he would stay away and hide from Taehyun, that he wouldn’t drink too much and end up doing something he would regret, and yet it’s exactly what he did. And now, Taehyun is hurting, and it’s all his fault. He never wanted it to happen. But he lost his temper and snapped at Taehyun, perhaps because he was so desperate for Taehyun to hear the words he’d been hiding for so long. He wanted to convince Taehyun to move on, even though Beomgyu himself knew he could never do that. 

_“I don’t need you either!”_

The distant memory flashes in his mind, out of nowhere, and Beomgyu breaks. He never meant for it to happen. The regret he feels from tonight causes all of his past regret to come rushing back like a flood. Just like the tears streaming down his face. 

“Hyunnie-” Beomgyu chokes on a sob. “I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry.” 

The hoodie doesn’t help, only becoming more and more stained with tears. 

Taehyun wakes up with a throbbing headache and a heavy body like lead, weighing him down with exhaustion. His eyes hurt, and it takes a while to adjust to the lighter room, although thankfully the curtains are closed. 

_‘God, what even happened?_ ’ It hurts to even _think_ for Taehyun. 

He doesn’t try to get up, feeling too weak and trying to calm the splitting pain from his headache. He turns his head weakly and sees the water and painkillers left for him, probably by Kai. With great difficulty, Taehyun eventually sits up, resting his weight on his elbow as he takes the medication and eagerly finishes the glass of water. He settles back down in bed, groaning as he wills the throbbing to go away. His eyes also feel heavy, and he notices his pillow has a dark patch beside his head. It’s all a bit confusing. 

Some time passes (Taehyun isn’t sure how much, it’s all a blur) and his headache has somewhat subsided. His body still feels exhausted, though. He doesn’t even hear Kai enter the room until the boy is speaking softly next to him.

“Hey, you’re awake.” Kai says quietly, as to not shock the boy. “You’re probably feeling like shit, hey?”

“What happened?” Taehyun groans as his eyes flutter open again. “We… We went to a party, right?”

“Yup. First party and you’ve successfully got a hangover. Congratulations. Be thankful it’s a Saturday.” Kai giggles. 

“I… I didn’t think I drank _that_ much.” Taehyun frowns, sitting up with Kai’s help. He rubs his temple, trying to massage his head. “I… I don’t remember most of the party.” 

“It’s probably just the alcohol.” Kai purses his lips. “It’ll pass. Just take it easy today.” 

“Okay.” Taehyun sighs, the pain having subsided for the moment. 

Kai helps him to a bowl of warm soup, allowing Taehyun to regain his strength and feel better. After he’s finished, Taehyun washes his face and finds himself staring at his swollen eyes peculiarly. Why was he crying? 

“Kai? Did I… cry last night?” He asks as he sits down next to him on the couch. 

“Uhh, yeah. You’re a bit of a sad drunk.” Kai chuckles nervously. 

“Really? What did I talk about?” Taehyun asks curiously. 

“N-Nothing important. I don’t remember a lot either.” He lies. 

“Oh, okay.” Taehyun chuckles. “I hope it wasn’t anything too embarrassing.” 

“It’s your first party, Taehyunnie. It’s okay to get drunk and have a bit of fun.” 

“Yeah, except I can’t remember any of it.” He groans. “I’m guessing you didn’t get drunk then?”

“Not really. I figured out that I hate alcohol. Well, I kind of knew that before anyway.” Kai laughs softly. “But I really just… can’t. Any type of alcohol is gross.” 

“Lucky you.” Taehyun huffs a laugh. “So? How was the night? Since you actually remember it and all.” 

“Pretty okay. I hung out with Yeonjun-hyung and Soobin-hyung most of the time. Since you-” Kai stops himself, forgetting that Taehyun has no recollection of meeting Beomgyu. 

“Since I what...?”

“Since you ditched me. Think you found some course friends to catch up with.” Kai says firmly, hoping his voice didn’t waver with his nerves. 

“Oh. Sorry about that.” Taehyun says. “Did you at least meet anyone then? Meet your soulmate?”

Taehyun pauses to think about it. He’s never asked Kai about his soulmate, or what he thinks about them. Maybe Kai is one of the people who hates them. Maybe he doesn’t believe in them. Kai knows all about Taehyun’s search for his soulmate, but only because he’s the one who comforts Taehyun, especially when he wakes up from a dream or nightmare. Kai never really had a choice. Taehyun knows that Kai might be able to help him as well, so technically he’s not against Kai knowing about his mysterious dreams. But Taehyun has never asked Kai about _his_. He doesn’t know anything. 

“I’m sorry!” Taehyun blurts out. “I just realised that I’ve never asked you about your soulmate, or what you think about them. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it.”

“It’s okay, Taehyunnie.” Kai smiles warmly. “It was bound to come up eventually, and to be honest, I’ve been waiting for you to ask. Or rather, I never minded whether you did or not. I feel comfortable enough to tell you anything, okay?” 

“I’m glad.” Taehyun smiles back, turning to sit and face Kai on the couch. 

Kai takes a deep breath. It’s been a while since he’s had to talk about _him_. He’d kept him locked away for so long, determined that he’d never be able to find someone to confide in. But now, he thinks he’s ready, because he trusts Taehyun.

“I had a soulmate. His name was Sunghoon.” Kai smiles.

“We were childhood friends, practically raised together as friends from birth. My parents moved into the neighbourhood and luckily we were close in age. Ever since we first touched and our skin glowed, our parents knew that we were soulmates. As kids, we didn’t really know that much about it, or care, but nevertheless, we were always together.

He was kind of the opposite to me. I was pretty outgoing and excitable all the time, but he was really shy around other kids that weren’t me. He was so cute, always following behind me and taking my hand whenever he was scared.” 

Kai smiles fondly, remembering his sweet soulmate with the bright smile and one-sided dimple and chocolate eyes that turned into crescents when he laughed too hard. 

“He tried out ice skating as a way to express himself, and goodness, he was so beautiful.” 

Kai wills himself not to cry as he remembers every single time he’d accompany the boy to the cold ice skating rink he called ‘home’. He remembers watching Sunghoon constantly fall and get up, over and over again, but never giving up with an unwavering resolve. While Kai had his passion in music, kindled with the help of his family, Sunghoon had found his passion in ice skating. Something that started out as a first experience when he was 9 turned into hours of practice to perfect the art. Kai remembers watching him grow more and more confident and feeling proud of his soulmate for breaking out of his shell. 

Kai can never forget how beautiful and elegant he looked whenever he skated. 

Sometimes, he wishes he could. But then he remembers that he never wants to forget Sunghoon. 

“Hoonie was gonna be a professional figure skater. He had the skills and talent for it, and he loved it so much that he wanted to make a career out of it. Of course, I supported him all the way. Whenever he skated or talked about it, there was a light in his eyes that I could never get sick of seeing. A light that I never wanted to see go out. It only made me fall harder for him. 

He entered a few competitions, won a couple of them when he was 13, and the next year, he made his junior debut. I couldn’t have been prouder of him.” Kai sighs. 

“But something happened.” Taehyun frowns, taking Kai’s hand and rubbing it to comfort him. 

Kai nods. 

“When he was 14, he was diagnosed with cancer. Leukemia. It came out of nowhere, as cancer does, and it… it ruined him.” Kai lets out a shaky breath. “He got so angry. He was doing so well, and then he was told he couldn’t skate anymore. Not until the cancer was gone. He was so determined to beat it, getting his treatment and chemotherapy and everything. It was hard on both of us, because I wanted to look after him and he wanted me to live my life freely, not being bound to him.”

The tears escape Kai’s eyes involuntarily as the memories come back slowly, creeping like a ghost haunting him yet again. 

“We fought more often. He was tired, both physically and mentally, and it was taking its toll on his body. Eventually, he told me to leave him. Maybe it was because he knew what was going to happen.” Kai chokes out a sob. 

Taehyun immediately takes Kai into his arms as the younger boy sobs into his shoulder, rubbing his back and hushing him. 

Kai thought it would be okay. He thought he’d be okay with telling Taehyun the truth, and with telling someone after two years of skimming over the topic of soulmates. But the truth is that grief is always there, no matter how many years later. It’s a weight that Kai will carry forever. One that he’s still learning to live with, but also hasn’t learnt to share with others, causing him to break down again under the pressure. 

“In his second year, everything got worse. There were so many times when he wanted to give up. Those were always so painful. I couldn’t do anything to help him. It was always just a matter of waiting and waiting and waiting, seeing if there would be improvements, or if the treatment was working. And the more time passed, the more Hoonie lost hope. He was bed-ridden and suddenly, he was talking about things he’d never see or experience again. 

I tried to encourage him, remind him that the chance of survival was more than 50% since he was young, but it didn’t get rid of the pain that came with cancer. Some days were okay, and others were just too hard.” Kai sobs more and furiously wipes his tears with his long sleeve. 

“I lost him when we were 16. I wasn’t even there when it happened. It was a night where he’d forced me to go home, since I’d been sleeping over for the past week. To this day, I’m haunted by whether he knew or not. Surely he didn’t, but fate played a cruel trick on me either way. It was the worst day of my life, waking up with excruciating pain because our bond broke.” 

“Oh, Kai. I’m so sorry.” Taehyun sobs softly as he hugs the boy, feeling his grief and sorrow that he’s understandably never seen from Kai before. 

“I’m sorry you have to deal with all this.” Kai adds a tissue to the mountain on the table. “I’ve never told anyone. After Hoonie… I never really had close friends. I was scared they’d leave me just as suddenly as he did.” 

“And yet you’re friends with me.” Taehyun chuckles. 

“I guess I grew up. I realised I couldn’t keep being scared all the time, and that I needed to move on.” Kai sniffles. 

“You’re so strong, Kai. It’s not easy to live with the loss of your soulmate.” Taehyun smiles and squeezes his hand. 

“It really isn’t. I miss him so much, every single day.” Kai chuckles bitterly. “It doesn’t exactly help that I can remember everything about him. There are days where I hate it, but there are days where he helps me to keep going. To keep living.” 

“I’ve never thought about it that way.” Taehyun says softly. “That your lost soulmate can help you to keep living. I feel like some people would be tempted to follow after them.”

“That’s true, and I definitely understand them.” A look of pain flashes on Kai’s face. “But if I gave up, Hoonie would be disappointed in me. He’d probably scold me and call me stupid for not living life on his behalf.” 

“He sounds like a great person. I wish I could have met him.” 

“You two would’ve been great friends. It took him a while to warm up to people, but he really was the sweetest.” Kai smiles fondly at their interlocked hands, remembering when Sunghoon’s fit so perfectly with his. 

Remembering when Sunghoon taught him how to ice skate, holding him tight and never letting him go, even if he dragged them both down to fall on the hard ice. They’d just laugh it off anyway. 

“Do you think you’ll ever find someone else? Someone to spend your life with?” Taehyun asks. 

“I… I don’t think so. The hole Hoonie left behind is too big to be filled again. I just have to live with it.” Kai bites his lip nervously. 

“Kai… I don’t think it can ever be filled, but that’s not the point. He’d want you to be happy and to move on.” 

“How can I move on if I can’t forget him, though? Everything hurts and reminds me of him, and I don’t think I’d be able to love someone like I loved… no, _still love_ Hoonie.” Kai looks up, eyes teary again. 

“Ning, that’s not what moving on is about. If anything it _is_ about remembering them. Remembering everything you had together, and using that to love and cherish others.” 

Taehyun watches as Kai takes in every word, and he squeezes his hand, rubbing a thumb over it to comfort him. To let him know that he’s there for him. 

“Sure, it might take some time to fall in love again, but it’s not impossible.” 

Taehyun wonders why the words feel thick and why his chest suddenly aches.

“Okay.” 

And to Kai, it’s a promise to try. To try and live in remembrance of Sunghoon, rather than letting his grief stop him from loving. Rather than running away from love because of what happened. 

“Taehyunnie, I’m sure your soulmate is waiting for you too.” Kai sniffles and smiles, wiping his tears. “You just have to be patient.” 

“I know. It just sucks. I wish I could meet them earlier.” Taehyun sighs. “There’s… There’s no chance that they’re already dead, right?” 

“No.” Kai shakes his head. “You’d feel the bond sever, even if you haven’t established it personally.” 

“I can’t imagine how it must have felt.” 

“It’s the worst feeling in the world.” Kai bites his lip. “But don’t think about the worst case scenario. Have hope in your soulmate.” 

Taehyun nods.

“I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey. it's me again T_T long chapter bc i'm so sorry to all my readers for having disappeared for more than a month /sobs i've missed you all very much <3 unfortunately, life is picking back up again as i go back to uni, so i'm sorry to say the updates probably won't become more regular after this chapter. i'm sorry if i got your hopes up! as you can tell, i suck at writing ongoing fics! nevertheless, i'm thankful to all of you who will stay for the journey, and so so thankful to those of you who read this after i complete the whole thing (eventually)! all of you motivate me to write, so this one was for you. 
> 
> i'd also like to give a shout-out and dedicate this chapter to my best friend, [cly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/candidtxt/pseuds/candidtxt)!! please check out their works, they're one of my favourite writers ever (i'm not even kidding, this is an objective opinion). cly has always supported me so much with omy, and in general, and while they're one of my biggest inspirations/aspirations, they're also one of the people who motivate me and remind me that i'm not as terrible a writer as i think i am. thank you as well for helping me to consider really important things when it comes to writing! i think i took a bit more time with this chapter because i wanted to make sure everything would flow well after these considerations as well, so thank you for helping me improve my fic! 
> 
> shout-out to the priv tl for helping me pick sunghoon as kai's soulmate (i'm so sorry sunghoon, i know you're a sweet angel but i didn't know who else to pick except someone from enhypen TvT)! thanks to reese for helping me with getting to know how to write him!  
> i'm sorry for giving kai the tragic backstory, but i hope it'll make you feel closer to kai as a character. <3
> 
> i'm not sure when i'll be able to get the next chapter out, but i'll do my best to finish this as soon as i can, and to create a story that you can all be satisfied with. thank you so much for sticking with me. i'm grateful beyond words. take care and i love you all so dearly. <3

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a kudos if you liked this, or a comment if you'd like to give me some feedback!  
> otherwise, please come talk to me, say hi, get to know me, or scream at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/beomieggyu)!  
> also feel free to drop a comment or question on my [cc](https://curiouscat.me/beomieggyu)!


End file.
